Suspects Under Investigation in Case of Ovechkin's Stick Spontaneously Bursting Into Flames
Written by Schultz   
Friday, 20 March 2009 09:37

In a surprising turn of events Thursday night in Tampa Bay, the stick of Alex Ovechkin spontaneously burst into flames after he scored his 50th goal of the season against the Lightning. The crowd at the St. Pete Times Forum initially thought it was some kind of celebratory antics from Ovechkin, who celebrates every goal as if he was an 8-year old on his first trip to Disney World. When Ovechkin skated frantically towards the bench while engulfed in flames and wildly screaming in Russian, a hush came over the arena as fans knew the situation was no joke. At the bench, defenseman Tom Poti threw a cooler filled with Gatorade onto Ovechkin, extinguishing the flames and saving him from serious injury.

doncherrySources close to the situation say the fire may have been the work of Satan himself or possibly someone far more sinister. Eyewitnesses place CBC commentator Don Cherry in the back of the Tampa Bay Lightning goal at approximately the time of the fire. One witness speaking on the condition of anonymity said he saw a leprechaun -- presumably Cherry --sneak into the back of the Lightning net during a timeout. Not surprisingly, Lightning goaltender Mike McKenna was completely unaware of the situation as he spends most ofhis time in net texting his girlfriend and checking Facebook. Knowing this the leprechaun hid in the back of the net awaiting the inevitable goal from Ovechkin against the Lightning's non-existent defense.

Other witnesses sitting higher up in the stands say they saw someone in a Penguins jersey in the rafters fire a flaming arrow at Ovechkin moments after he scored the goal. When asked for comment, Penguin Fans say they had "absolutely nothing to do [with the fire]" and "couldn't give a rat's ass about what that stupid Russian does because it's not a rivalry if only one side makes a big deal about it." They also speculated that it could have been a drunk and disheveled Jean-Claude Van Damme reenacting his 1995movie Sudden Death.

Police are interviewing suspects but have not yet released a statement about the investigation as it is still ongoing.

At the time of publication, Don Cherry had responded to our phone calls but upon stating that we were writing for a blog his head exploded and a small earthquake was reported by seismographs outside of Toronto.



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Comments (3)Add Comment
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written by Blackcapricorn, March 20, 2009
Do you know "Sudden Death is my favorite movie" is one of the 25 random things my penguin listed on Facebook the other day?
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written by Blackcapricorn, March 20, 2009
And yes, I am going to grind this "penguin is my homeboy" response to your posts for awhile. He is too damn cute!
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written by titansaturnae, March 21, 2009
doesn"t Satan play for Pittsburgh now?

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