Imaginary Interviews with Real People: Sidney Crosby

Written by Loser Domi

Tuesday, 05 May 2009 21:40

Naturally, I don’t have access to NHLers, so I can’t interview them directly. However, using the power of my imagination, I can recreate what it might look like if I had access to an NHL player. Today, I present an interview with Sidney Crosby.

Loser Domi: I'm pleased to have here Sidney Crosby. Thanks for coming in, Sidney
Sidney Crosby: No problem, just give it your all, you know, one shift at a time.
LD: oh...okay
SC: We just gotta put our heads down and work hard.
LD: I didn't even ask you a question there.
SC: 110%

LD: okay, fine. The Pens are down two games in the Capitals series. How much cheese do you think you could eat in one sitting?
SC: wait...what? Now you're just trying to mess with me.
LD: Damn, this could have been the most hilarious interview ever. OH well. Would you mind expanding on the whole anti throwning hats incident?
SC: People kept throwing hats. The first wave came and then I think they were all pretty much picked up, and then more started coming.There were hats everywhere. It was like a hat war zone, you know, if hats had wars.
LD: well, it was a game which saw two of the league's biggest stars each score a hattrick, I suppose that would make a lot of people excited and enthusiastic--
SC:But why did they have to throw hats? Couldn't they just cheer?
LD: Isn't it a well-known hockey tradition to throw hats after a player scores a hattrick?
SC: I Know that! It's just that hats and I have a rather...strained realationship.
LD:Would you care to explain a bit more about that?
SC:Well, I need a hat to keep my curls under control. And yet, I fear hats.
LD: Wait, what? why?
SC:(awkward silence)
LD:Was there some incident with hats when you were younger? Did they--
SC:--what, molest me? That's just silly. No, I fear hats because they're gonna steal my brains.
LD:You think hats will steal your brain?
SC:Yes! That's why I keep my hair so thourghly greasy. If I grease it up every 2 hours or so, the hats won't get a good grip on me and can't steal my brain.
LD:uhh...
SC:Come on! It makes perfect sense!
LD:I admit greasing up your hair would work, I get that. I just don't get why hats would want a brain.
SC: Nobody knows, because if we did, the hats would revolt and take us all out.
LD:I'm just gonna move on to some other things now. Let's have a little fun here: Let's say that you won a free boat ride for three. Who do you take with you?
SC: I dunno, probably my mom and...Jordan Staal. I don't know.
LD: Finish this sentence: Mr. Pibb plus Red Vines equals...what?
SC: I don't know what either of those things are.
LD:How do you eat chicken strips?
SC:Usually with Barbeque sauce. Maybe Sweet and sour sauce if they have it.
LD: what do you think about boomboxes?
SC: Well, you gotta know you limits with a boombox. I mean, a boombox is not a toy.
LD:HA! Got it!
SC: I know people think I look like Andy Samberg, but can can assure you of something. I GUARANTEE that I NEVER jizz in my pants.
LD:well, thank you Sidney, this has been eye opening for me.
SC:Like a boss.