Fake Interviews with Real People: Kyle Wellwood
LOSER DOMI:
Kyle, thanks for coming in today!KYLE WELLWOOD:
Not a problem.LD:
So, are you looking forward to the season just around the corner?KW:
Yeah. I think we’re doing some exciting things here in Vancouver.LD:
What do you think of Roberto Luongo ’s recent contract extension?KW:
12 years is a long time, but I think Bobby Lou’s a good guy. He’ll do good things for the Canucks. Plus, he leads the league in wopness, which is always a good thing. (WELLWOOD’s phone rings) OH, sorry, uh…LD:
Nah, it’s ok, answer it.KW:
Hello?ROBERTO LUONGO:
Welly, if you call me Bobby Lou or a wop again, I’ll shoot you in the face! Or maybe I’ll shoot you in the junk first, THEN shoot you in the face. Got it?KW:
Yeah Bobb—I mean, Roberto. Sorry. (Hangs up phone) He always says he’ll shoot me, but I don’t think he owns a gun.LD:
Is Luongo always that angry?KW:
Nah, usually he’s pretty cool, unless you call him Bobby Lou. Or a wop. Or maybe "Bobbby Lou the woppiest wop who ever wopped."LD:
Maybe you should stop saying "wop." I think it’s an ethnic slur against Italians. It might offend people.KW:
Really? I thought it meant like, "dude" or "guy" or something like that. I guess you learn something new every day.
LD:
Speaking of learning, you’ve been learning a lot about environmental causes, correct?KW:
Yeah, it’s important that people learn about the environment and how to take care of it. There are amazing resources out there that need our protection (wink, nudge, nudge.)LD:
…Was that a pot joke?
KW:
Pot? I’d never touch the stuff. Not since it made me all paranoid and forgetful. Like, I’d forget when practice was, and I’d forget I was a professional athlete…I mean, uh…kids—don’t do drugs. They’re bad.LD:
…Right…
KW:
But I’ve been taking good care of myself! I even lost 18!LD:
18 pounds?KW:
Grams!LD:
Can you tell us some of the ways you have been taking care of yourself? I know there were some, especially right around the time Toronto placed you on waivers, who were less than kind--KW:
You mean all the "Kyle Wellwood is fat" jokes on the Internet?LD:
Well, yeah.KW:
They’re right! (starts to tear up) I’m a fat little piggy! But they just don’t understand! I mean, you can’t quit food like you can quit booze or drugs! You need to eat to live! But luckily the Vancouver trainers have been really good with me.LD:
Are you on certain diets, doing yoga…?
KW:
Well, every time the trainers see me walking by a fast food place or a bakery, they either squirt me with a water gun or smack me on the nose with a newspaper. And Alain Vignault gave me these diet pills to try. He said they’re a vintage recipe, and I figure, vintage stuff is pretty cool.LD:
Kyle…most of those "vintage" diet pills were just straight crank.KW:
Crank? You mean that movie with the guy who had a battery in his heart and couldn’t stop or something? I found it kind of disappointing.LD:
I don’t know; I’ve never seen that one. But those old diet pills were just methamphetamines.KW:
Meth? Well, that explains why every time I take one I feel an urge to punch a hooker in the face.LD:
Really? What do you do when you get these urges?KW:
I run to Gastown, punch a hooker, and then I run home to hide from angry pimps.LD:
Aren’t you worried about assault charges or things like that?KW:
I have been thinking about getting some mannequins or blow-up dolls to punch, but then I don’t get in the running… (tries to sneakily take diet pill, but is totally obvious)LD:
Was that one of the diet pills you mentioned?KW:
Uh….no. It’s a, uh…TicTac?LD:
What if you ran around your building, came back to your place, THEN punched the dolls?KW:
That might work, except these pills make me feel all shiny! And the colors, Domi! The colors!
LD:
Do they make you feel like a fighter jet made of BICEPS?KW:
BLARRRGH SO INTENSEEEE AHHHHHH! (runs out of the room)LD:
Um….thanks for your time?
