LOSER DOMI:Kyle, thanks for coming in today!
KYLE WELLWOOD:Not a problem.
LD:So, are you looking forward to the season just around the corner?
KW:Yeah. I think we’re doing some exciting things here in Vancouver.
LD:What do you think of Roberto Luongo ’s recent contract extension?
KW:12 years is a long time, but I think Bobby Lou’s a good guy. He’ll do good things for the Canucks. Plus, he leads the league in wopness, which is always a good thing. (WELLWOOD’s phone rings) OH, sorry, uh…
LD:Nah, it’s ok, answer it.
ROBERTO LUONGO:Welly, if you call me Bobby Lou or a wop again, I’ll shoot you in the face! Or maybe I’ll shoot you in the junk first, THEN shoot you in the face. Got it?
KW:Yeah Bobb—I mean, Roberto. Sorry. (Hangs up phone) He always says he’ll shoot me, but I don’t think he owns a gun.
LD:Is Luongo always that angry?
KW:Nah, usually he’s pretty cool, unless you call him Bobby Lou. Or a wop. Or maybe "Bobbby Lou the woppiest wop who ever wopped."
LD:Maybe you should stop saying "wop." I think it’s an ethnic slur against Italians. It might offend people.
Really? I thought it meant like, "dude" or "guy" or something like that. I guess you learn something new every day.
LD:Speaking of learning, you’ve been learning a lot about environmental causes, correct?
KW:Yeah, it’s important that people learn about the environment and how to take care of it. There are amazing resources out there that need our protection (wink, nudge, nudge.)
…Was that a pot joke?
KW:Pot? I’d never touch the stuff. Not since it made me all paranoid and forgetful. Like, I’d forget when practice was, and I’d forget I was a professional athlete…I mean, uh…kids—don’t do drugs. They’re bad.
KW:But I’ve been taking good care of myself! I even lost 18!
LD:Can you tell us some of the ways you have been taking care of yourself? I know there were some, especially right around the time Toronto placed you on waivers, who were less than kind--
KW:You mean all the "Kyle Wellwood is fat" jokes on the Internet?
KW:They’re right! (starts to tear up) I’m a fat little piggy! But they just don’t understand! I mean, you can’t quit food like you can quit booze or drugs! You need to eat to live! But luckily the Vancouver trainers have been really good with me.
Are you on certain diets, doing yoga…?
KW:Well, every time the trainers see me walking by a fast food place or a bakery, they either squirt me with a water gun or smack me on the nose with a newspaper. And Alain Vignault gave me these diet pills to try. He said they’re a vintage recipe, and I figure, vintage stuff is pretty cool.
LD:Kyle…most of those "vintage" diet pills were just straight crank.
KW:Crank? You mean that movie with the guy who had a battery in his heart and couldn’t stop or something? I found it kind of disappointing.
LD:I don’t know; I’ve never seen that one. But those old diet pills were just methamphetamines.
KW:Meth? Well, that explains why every time I take one I feel an urge to punch a hooker in the face.
LD:Really? What do you do when you get these urges?
KW:I run to Gastown, punch a hooker, and then I run home to hide from angry pimps.
LD:Aren’t you worried about assault charges or things like that?
KW:I have been thinking about getting some mannequins or blow-up dolls to punch, but then I don’t get in the running… (tries to sneakily take diet pill, but is totally obvious)
LD:Was that one of the diet pills you mentioned?
KW:Uh….no. It’s a, uh…TicTac?
LD:What if you ran around your building, came back to your place, THEN punched the dolls?
That might work, except these pills make me feel all shiny! And the colors, Domi! The colors!
LD:Do they make you feel like a fighter jet made of BICEPS?
KW:BLARRRGH SO INTENSEEEE AHHHHHH! (runs out of the room)
LD:Um….thanks for your time?