Center Ice is present, nay prevalent, in many hockey loving homes these days. Now, unlike in the past, folks can watch any game on any given night. This may be a little overwhelming. BMR is always here to help you, dear reader. Today we present "Weekend Drinkability: What to Watch While You're Whetting Your Whistle with Some Wiquor." Sorry, I'll stop. Without any further shenanigans, here's the low down on the weekend. You'll notice that Inebriated Patrick Kane helps us rate the Drinkability of each game. Prepare your fridge accordingly..
5 Inebriated Kane's -- Your Must Watch Matchups
Saturday, 7PM ET - Senators at Bruins
These two teams are tied for second in the Northeast. Daniel Alfredsson is Swedish. Here's a picture of him:
If you're nice, he will make you a souffle!
Saturday, 7PM ET - Avalanche at Red Wings
Almost... Almost... The rivalry in this game is almost back. Both teams are good, the Avs are getting better, the only thing this is missing is a really pissed off goaltender. Patrick Roy was awesome. I miss him. He was just frickin' angry all the time about everything. I feel like he's the kind of guy who gets up in the morning and this happens:
Mrs. Roy: "Honeyyyy, I made eggs and bacon for breakfastttt!"
*Patrick Roy walks into kitchen, slaps plate out of her hand, pulls shirt over her head*
PR: "I told you, I don't like my eggs scrambled!"
He definetly just gets angry all the time over anything. "I said NO KETCHUP DAMMIT." "I ordered mayo ON THE SIDE, NOT ON THE SANDWICH." He's going to be awesome when he's a senile, cranky old man. I think I just created the NHL Network's new reality show. 'Life with Roy.'
4 Inebriated Kane's -- The Light Beer of Hockey Games (Good but not great)
Saturday, 7 PM ET - Canes at Canadiens
I'm not sure why I'm giving this game four stars. However, I do give the preview for Unstoppable four stars. "Not for you. Not doin' it for you." God, I've never seen a more useless movie have such an awesome preview. The movie cleary -- clearly -- has no plot, lots of holes and sadly sucked Denzel Washington into it. But the preview is awesome. Oh shit! There's a run away train! But luckily action hero Denzel Washington works for the train company! Oh but wait they actually fired him! Why the hell would he risk himself for them? What? He's not doin' it for you?! Who's he doin' it for? LeBron James? Vince the Slap Chop/Sham Wow guy?
Oh man, it's great. Never before has a runaway vehicle THAT'S ON A TRACK AND CANNOT MAKE ANY UNEXPECTED MOVEMENTS given a fictional verison of America such hell. The movie makes Speed look like Forrest Gump.
I fully expect at the end Denzel reveals why he is doin' it: "because I can I'm m-f-ing Denzel Washignton bitch."
Saturday, 7PM ET - Hawks at Nashville
I don't think I've really address the whole mascot for this feature. It's Kane but personally, I find it hilarious how hammered he was all the time this summer. It's exactly how I'd expect a college kid who won an Olympic silver medal and Stanley Cup in the same year to react. HOLYFUCKOMGLET'SPARTYYYYYYY!!!! Yeah. That's about right. And he was completely blatant about it. Look up the video of him at the championship parade. He gives a speech and has absolutely no idea what he's talking about. Remember kids, alcohol is a depressant. And this is the best year of Kane's life. I don't know how he could possibly top it. All downhill from here! Should be fun to watch him slowly turn into a full-blown despressing alocholic. Right now he's still in the college party stage. He'll hit the harsh wall of reality eventually. And by "fun" I don't mean "fun." There's nothing fun about alcoholism. That's more a saracastic version of fun. Like 'oh, hey, it'd be fun to go jump off a bridge, huh?' Well, yeah, it would be until the fall kills you.
Sunday, 7PM ET - Ducks at BlackhawksPeople were starting to call for Randy Carlyle's head out in Anaheim. Now the Ducks have won five in a row including wins over Tampa, Pittsburgh and San Jose, they're 5th in the conference and 2nd in the division. If this keeps up, they're going to exceed a lot of expectations and get a decent playoff spot. IF.
3 Inebriated Kane's -- Not a Great Selection, But Hey, It's Open Bar
Saturday, 7 PM ET - Capitals at Sabres
The game will be fun because the Capitals will score about 12 goals. Also, if you are racist against the city of Buffalo, you might like to watch their hockey team get destroyed. Ryan Miller's hurt and for that my fantasy team weeps. But we're still in first place in the BMR league. Suckaaaas!
Saturday, 7 PM ET - Canucks at Maple Leafs
Want to watch a city slow fall into a deep depression? Well, have we got one for you. Buffalo's neighbor, Toronto! The Leafs looked so promising at 4-0 and now they're 5-7-3. Ouch. Well, there's always next year, right? Right? Nah.
Saturday, 7 PM ET - Penguins at Thrashers
These teams actually have the same amount of wins. That bothers me. But, it should be a good game. They're the third and fourth highest scoring teams in the East. That should make for a good game. However, Malkin has four goals in 15 games. The fuck is wrong with him? Russian accent / "Not for you. Not doin' it for you." /
Saturday, 10 PM ET - Flames at Sharks
Two teams struggling to make something of their seasons. Calgary is 7-7 but the way things are going in the media and in the stand you would think they're 2-20. People are just completely panicking. Which is exactly what they should be doing since Duane Sutter is STILL in charge. Oh, and Brett Sutter got arrested this morning. They're just trying to run the entire City of Calgary into the ground apparently.
Sunday, 5 PM ET - Wild at Lightning
2 Inebriated Kane's -- The Pabst Blue Ribbon of Weekend Action that Gives You Your Fix You Addict, You
Saturday, 8 PM ET - Blues at Coyotes
Could there be anything more despressing than a crowd at a Coyotes home game? They're averaging 11,989/game. That's 68% capacity and remember those are ANNOUNCED numbers. In sports, announced numbers are always at least 10-25% higher than the actual attendance. If it's a good night but not a sell out, you'll bump the number up 10%. If it's a terrible night and no one's there, you'll push it as far as reasonably possible. I'm guessing the Coyotes staff does the latter a lot. And hell, if no one's there, who's going to know? I bet if an NHL game ever had an attendance of zero, it would be announced as a sell out. WHO'S GONNA KNOW!?
Sunday, 12:30 PM ET - Oilers at Rangers
The Devils are terrible. The Islanders are terrible as usual. The Penguins are struggling. No one outside of Philly really believes in the Flyers. The Rangers have a very rare opportunity to win the Atlantic fairly easily if they can get their shit together.
Sunday, 5 PM ET - Thrashers at Capitals
1 Inebriated Kane -- It Doesn't Really Resemble Beer Anymore, Does It?
Saturday, 7:00 PM ET - Panthers at Flyers
I'll be honest, I don't think I'm ever going to give a game involving the Panthers more than one star. I can't really find any reasons to justify it. If you can, please let me know in the comments.
Saturday, 10:30 PM ET - Islanders at KingsPrediction: 12-1.