Hello everyone! I am Boston Bruins Carolina Hurricanes defensemen Tomas Kaberle. I know that there are some weird photos of my day with the Stanley cup. Allow me to walk you through my day in my hometown in Czech Republic.
I drive in a Cadillac because I am known as “Kabby”, so “Kabby in a Caddy” was pretty funny to us the Bruins when we won the cup. Imagine how surprised I was when a few days after Game seven, David Krejci went and bought this huge orange land yacht! What a dumbass—he knows what happens after he has too many Amstel Lights. But hey, we just won the Cup, we all felt like we were on top of the world, so whatever.
Did you know that if you win the Stanley Cup, and you’re in Czech Republic, you can park in the handicap spaces with no penalty? It’s true. But if they ask for ID, and you respond “How’s about my I DEEEEZ NUTS” while grabbing your genitals, they don’t like it. That’s why David Krejci is not in most of these pictures. I asked him how it went, and he said that he would rather not talk about it.
I was so thankful and happy to bring the Stanley cup to my home country. Finally, my brother Frantisek can stop with his lame “Two Kabs One Cup” joke. Now I can comfort him by reminding him that at least I don’t look like PeeWee Herman. I have so many people offering to buy me drinks, I can hardly stand straight.
I know a lot of people on the internet are confused by this picture. See, pigs are very important to Czech people. They are a crucial part of our culture and cuisine. As a result, we have all sorts of things about pigs—songs, stories, and even cartoons. The “Hello Piggy” is like Japan’s “hello Kitty”, except “Hello Piggy” is way better. I mean, the idea of a mute cat as a cartoon hero is just stupid. As to the guys in pink Capri overalls and keytars, that is a bit darker. I must be honest— this town is just barely getting finished with the 80s. When I wore my best Affliction shirt, I looked like a time traveler from the far-off year of 2006. Then there is the sword and shield. I think their thinking was since I am already a defender in the NHL, I can defend against other stuff, like Slovaks. Seriously, Slovaks are dickbags.
Now, I hear that Zdeno Chara is renting a castle for his day. I hope he has plenty of babies to serve. I know that Slovaks can eat twice their weight in babies and small toddlers, so hide your children. I hope you enjoyed my look into my day of Stanley Cup fun!
Suck it, Bryan McCabe.
All photos are pulled from http://isport.blesk.cz/galerie/hokej-nhl/91778/. Please don't suue me, Czech people.
Glove tap to @reasonabledoubt for spiritual guidance.