Hey there losers, it’s your old pal, JR again. Hockey season is just around the corner. For most of you, this means that your time spent drinking and watching shitty reality shows can now be redirected to drinking and cursing your favorite team, like God intended. I remember this time was so thrilling as a player—getting to see your team buddies again, making fun of the guys who couldn’t speak English, and hazing the crap out of the new guys (if Brendan Shanahan is reading this, the last bit was only about funny stuff, like shaving cream in the shoe stuff. Nothing weird like naked stuff or shaving. ) If you’re reading this, you’re probably not a player, but you might have a fantasy team. Here are some tips from a bonafide fantasy master (well, I am the master of my own fantasies) to help you become king of the nerds.
Stats, stats, stats stats…EVERYBODY
Every fantasy pool has at least one guy who is obsessed with memorizing and computing stats for every player and situation. He’s someone who probably can’t watch a game without a graphing calculator and thinks he’s king of everything because he can do MATH. Don’t be this guy. He’s probably someone who wants to be the best at everything because they’ve either had a shit life and need a pathetic victory to keep going or they have somehow “earned” the right to be better than everyone else by simply existing. This guy is an unlikeable dick, and you don’t want be that guy. But you need this guy in your pool because watching their precious fortress of nerdery and snobbishness crash because his “statistically solid guy” gets injured? That’s effin’ priceless.
Being der kommissar
If you’re the commissioner, good friggin’ luck. You’re stuck trying to coordinate schedules and trying to get a group of anywhere from 8 to 20 dimwits to agree to something. Honestly, herding chickens might be easier, but I’ve never done that. I do have one suggestion: even with all the crap it takes to get it done, do a live draft instead of autopick. Trash-talking your opponents is probably the most fun you’ll have during this whole exercise, so let ‘er rip! Also, try to schedule your drafting for a time when cracking open a beer or twelve is socially acceptable (if you’re a blogger by trade, this hour is all day, every day.)
The 27 club
It’s been said that if a hockey player is 27, but has not made the big jump yet, he either won’t do it, or will die tragically. Honestly, after this offseason, I’m not sure which it is.
Screw the Flyers
Seriously, screw this team. Screw their fans, and screw Chris Pronger’s stupid face. Yes, Flyers fans are crazy, stupid, SOBs, and I hope they burn in hell. Then again, they have to live in Philly, so….they’re kinda already there. At least it’s not Detroit, I guess.
This last point’s EXTREMELY important, and I cannot stress it enough. If you take away nothing else, take this:
NOBODY, AND I MEAN NOBODY, GIVES A SHIT ABOUT YOUR FANTASY TEAM
Seriously. By the start of December, half of your league will forget they’re in the league. Stats wanker guy will be bitching about how nobody takes a supposedly fun leisure activity seriously enough. Your comish will probably be drunk, if they weren’t drunk already. Seriously, your own league doesn’t give a rat’s ass about your team, so why would some random guy on the bus care? It’s the rare lady who will be impressed by your fantasy prowess, and if she is, she’s probably the one kicking your ass in the league each week. For the love of all things holy stop bitching about your fantasy team in place of conversation! Nobody else gives a shit.