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Staalboy_11:…and that was the second time I got crabs.
Sidney_Not_Kidney: Why do you keep telling us that story? It’s so…gross and disturbing.
McFleury_Avec_sprinkles: ya, we should like tell bout da time we made da prank calls in Deetraw
Staalboy_11: De-troit, Fleury. The city is called Detroit
McFleury_Avec_sprinkles: is French city! I says it right! I kno French!
Staalboy_11: Whatever…actually, that was pretty fun. We should do that more often. Fleury, gimme your phone

Excuse the homerism -- or ignore it and continue along your daily business -- but as of right now, April 14th is the most important day on the calendar. What will we know on that day? At that point, we'll know who all the playoff teams are and who they will be playing. That's cute. I'm sure these "playoffs" will really be "exciting" in the way that Lifetime is "a big hit" with "drunk college kids at a bar on Friday night".

The events that occur on April 14th will change the hockey world forever. Forget this "Stanley Cup Champion" crap. The folks here on Long Island realized long ago that was just a meaningless pat on the back. As you may have surmised, I'm talking about the draft lottery that is held on April 14th. There's really no event that's more important in the NHL today*.

On April 14th, we will know the probable destination for Mr. John Tavares. We will also know if the Islanders or the Lightning are going to have the opportunity to trade the first pick, select Evander Kane first overall or otherwise botch the whole shebang, if they so happen to obtain it. Of course there are other teams that could get it, but they are far less likely to shit the bed with the pick given their stable and/or mildly competent leadership.

Oh, and then there's that whole thing about seeing Mike Bossy suffer on national television. Can we please not send him to the lottery this year? If this is what he looked like when the Islanders didn't have a chance at the first pick and dropped down, it would be cruel to leave him there with the opportunity of seeing them whiff in a year such as this one.

It's a big day, folks. I'm going to start pre-gaming for it now. Who's with me?

* - OK, I admit, the Finals are probably more important. But we all know Detroit's going to win and dominate like the Deathstar conquers a small, insignificant planet that's not really important to the plot.

It's Monday morning, so naturally, you might a bit more agitated than usual. But are you more agitated than Providence Bruins goalie Tukka Rask was this weekend?

Apparently, the refs blew two calls in a shootout for the Bruins and Rask absolutely lost it. Like the kind of equipment tossing freak out you see from baseball managers. But this was on ice so, of course, it's way cooler.

On the first goal, you can plainly see Rask poke check the puck away from the attacker which I'm pretty sure is the end of the play. It wasn't, apparently, and the player ended up scoring since Rask had sprawled for the poke check. The second goal Rask thought hit the crossbar and came back out. It's impossible to tell from this crappy YouTube, so the BMR Jury isstill out on that one (they're presumably on a flight to South Florida to see what all the fuss is about down there). But the Bruins lost the game and Rask hit the ceiling. I can't blame him. Although launching your stickat the ref like it's a discus is all sorts of dangerous and entertainingly crazy.

So there you have it. Boobs, brackets and berzerk Bruins. That's a good alliterated start to the week, no?

Yeah, we gave in and did the March Madness bracket thing. Even though that may be lame for a hockey site, everyone in the world has a bracket. Except for the people at my friend's work.They were putting a pool together until someone realized that the games had already started. The mark of true sports fans. But finally, yesterday morning, people finally figured out what the missing ingredient was that makes a really good bracket.

Hockey!

It was so simple. Brackets + hockey = superamazinroenickawesomeo. Why didn't we think of this before?

And if you were looking for an update on our basketball bracketing... Blackcapricorn and liftedram4x4 are tied for the lead. And despite being in 16th, I'm still ahead of the other three writers for the site. And congrats to Dave -- aka Guy Who Gloats About My Fantasy Hockey Shortcomings -- who wasn't kidding when he titled his picks "i suck at picking brackets". He lived up to the name by not picking a champion. ;)

It appears that the BMR voodoo continues.Even when Gaborik comes back, the Wild loses Koivu. It's as though the hockey fates are conspiring aganst us.

On a related note, if you ever need someone to do a shitty job throwing together an MS Paint image, you can find my e-mail at right.

With 32 games remaining this season, the Florida Panthers were in playoff position and things were bright, shiny and happy.  They're coach declared with the team's marketing department that they were so sure they'd make the playoffs for the first time in 9 years - that if they didn't - you could get 4 free games for the 09-10 season if they miss out again.  That is of course, if you purchased the playoff tickets four-pack.

With the team's disappointing and rather suck-tastic finish since the March 4th trade deadline - Whale4Ever of TLB has declared it a lost cause as of this weekend.

But fear not, you Panthers fans and hopefuls.  The close relative of the Florida Panther is the Florida Cougar who evidently felt the need to help out their brethren's cause:

(Fair Warning - censored NSFW in this version and a really shitty song on audio track)

Go here to see the fully uncensored, totally NSFW video.

The Cougar's partnership with the geniuses in Panthers' marketing have since teamed up to not only include the four free games for next year, but a promotional night in October in which the first 4,000 fans through the door get two free stress relieving boobs.

Gee, that website's link says they're all sold out.  Is it because they are expecting such a big turnout for that night that they went ahead and bought all the stress boobs available?

Police officer: So, after you whacked Mr. Johnson in the kneecap, because you thought it was Eric Ersberg in pads, you started pummeling Mr. Anderson, is that correct Mr. Sleek?

Mr Sleek: I swear, with his moustache I thought it was George Parros come to brawl with me. I thought it was weird that he came to Ersberg's defense, but I won't back down for no one.

Police: And when you whacked Mr. Thomas in the shins with the floor lamp as I tried to run away?

Sleek: Setoguchi on a breakaway. I can't just let him go unabated.

Police: I think I get it now. Later, when you asked Mrs. Johnson if this meant "two minutes in the box" you thought she a referee, assessing a penalty.

Sleek: No. I knew it was Mrs. Johnson

Currently, it's 4:15 PM on Friday. It's about time for some zen. As always, props to the Daily Show.

Well, are you?

If there is some zen you would like to see appear in this spot, send it to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

In a surprising turn of events Thursday night in Tampa Bay, the stick of Alex Ovechkin spontaneously burst into flames after he scored his 50th goal of the season against the Lightning. The crowd at the St. Pete Times Forum initially thought it was some kind of celebratory antics from Ovechkin, who celebrates every goal as if he was an 8-year old on his first trip to Disney World. When Ovechkin skated frantically towards the bench while engulfed in flames and wildly screaming in Russian, a hush came over the arena as fans knew the situation was no joke. At the bench, defenseman Tom Poti threw a cooler filled with Gatorade onto Ovechkin, extinguishing the flames and saving him from serious injury.

Sources close to the situation say the fire may have been the work of Satan himself or possibly someone far more sinister. Eyewitnesses place CBC commentator Don Cherry in the back of the Tampa Bay Lightning goal at approximately the time of the fire. One witness speaking on the condition of anonymity said he saw a leprechaun -- presumably Cherry --sneak into the back of the Lightning net during a timeout. Not surprisingly, Lightning goaltender Mike McKenna was completely unaware of the situation as he spends most ofhis time in net texting his girlfriend and checking Facebook. Knowing this the leprechaun hid in the back of the net awaiting the inevitable goal from Ovechkin against the Lightning's non-existent defense.

Other witnesses sitting higher up in the stands say they saw someone in a Penguins jersey in the rafters fire a flaming arrow at Ovechkin moments after he scored the goal. When asked for comment, Penguin Fans say they had "absolutely nothing to do [with the fire]" and "couldn't give a rat's ass about what that stupid Russian does because it's not a rivalry if only one side makes a big deal about it." They also speculated that it could have been a drunk and disheveled Jean-Claude Van Damme reenacting his 1995movie Sudden Death.

Police are interviewing suspects but have not yet released a statement about the investigation as it is still ongoing.

At the time of publication, Don Cherry had responded to our phone calls but upon stating that we were writing for a blog his head exploded and a small earthquake was reported by seismographs outside of Toronto.

Before we get started, I just have to make sure some mad props are given to Steve, one of the guys I write with at the Victoria Times for having one of the only 2 perfect brackets in the BMR pick em. Not bad. (Congrats to liftedram4X4 as well for your equally as meaningless lead). We are here, however, to talk about drinking. I mean hockey. Or something. I'm not sure. I'm still jazzed that we've got ads for Combos popping up everywhere here. How cool is that? I love Combos and I don't even smoke the reefer. We at BMR sincerely hope that you go out and eat three bags of Combos when you step away from the internet. Now where were we? Oh right.

DRINK

... if Gaborik is on the ice. Drink again with me when he inevitibly gets hurt.

... if there is a human interest piece on Eric Reitz's time in Minnesota or Dan Fritsche's in New York.

... for every chew caught on camera by Jacques Lemaire and his tiny, tiny, tiny piece of gum.

... if you ALWAYS get the Ranges' Derek Morris confused with the pastor from Apopka, Florida. It always happens to me.

... when Sean Avery is on camera. Can you imagine him promoting Combos? "Combos. They're great in your mouth. Just like your mom says about --" and then the camera cuts out.

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