We have discussed how insane the NHL proposal has been, but both sides are still at the negotiating table, trying to sort this silliness out. In order to reach a fair compromise, however, that means the players have to be just as crazy with their offer. The two sides need to both be able to make concessions in order to meet in the middle eventually. What are the players putting out there?

- Players get to take home the zamboni

- Wet bar

- Nobody ever traded to Columbus again.

- Somebody explains what the hell a Wild is.

- Unlimited hair gel

- Comprehensive dental coverage

- It's the National Hockey League. Pick one country and stick with it.

- Team hotels better than La Quinta Inn

- Time off for 2nd jobs (In Steve Bernier's case, it's at the makeup counter at Macy's)

As always, we will bring you more  details as they become available.

"Screw it, I don't care. You guys can have him."

We have all heard about the excessive provisions the NHL into a new CBA proposal. Thsi was not the whole story. It's never the whole story. What else is the League after? 

- League collects 50% of individual player sponsorship contracts.

- Sidney Crosby gets a new Penguin suit. A tuxedo. For wearing on Ted Leonsis's yacht while he serves drinks.

-  Garnishing of Sedins.

-  Players owe the league a dollar every time their name is mentioned on a national telecast, 50 cents on local telecasts. Free advertising? Not so fast, you greedy players!

-  Ducks and Kings have to road trip together. 4 to a room. Same goes for the Islanders and Rangers, as well as the Flyers and Devils.

- Dany Heatley goes back to regular undershirts. The league can't support his turtleneck habit.

-  More appearances on soap operas. Not for financial reasons, Jeffrey Vanderbeek just loves his stories. 

- Lights off during the second period.

There is a lot of ground to cover between the two sides. Barry Melrose Rocks will keep you posted intermittently, and likey 5 days after news breaks. Stay tuned! 

By now, you have certainly heard of the terrible tragedy that struck in Colorado, and perhaps even heard of Jessica Ghawi, or Jessica Redfield, as she was known professionally. Formerly the hockey writer at Busted Coverage, and more recently an NHL writer in the Denver area, Redfield was among the 12 killed in the Aurora movie theater.
Jesse Spector of the Sporting News received Redfield's last tweet, reflecting in some part, how many people Jessica touched, and the influence she had from coast to coast. It's very clear that I am at a disadvantage for never having met her.
On behalf of those here at Barry Melrose Rocks, we wish to express our sincere condolences to those who lost loved ones early this morning in Colorado.

Tonight is the Espy's on ESPN, as you undoubtedly all know. Let's run through those affiliated with the NHL that I anticipate winning an Espy this year! Pinnacle of sports achievement!

Best NHL player: Jonathan Quick, Goalie, Los Angeles Kings - Slightly above average through most of the season, he came to the attention of most ESPN watchers during the 30 second highlight packages the network aired during the Stanley Cup Playoffs. Wins on name recognition.

Aaaaand that's about it. Enjoy the show tonight, everyone! 

A look at some of the former hockey players from the Mighty Ducks, a mid 90s youth hockey outfit. Clearly, the physical exertion they put forth as children didn't carry over into adulthood.

D, #2, Tommy Duncan
 

F #7 Dwayne Robertson
 

D #44 Fulton Reed
 

D #56 Russ Tyler
 

So, yeah, way to go, youth sports. See if I ever sign my kids up for hockey. 

The Wild are planning a press conference in under a half an hour. The idea is that it is an introductory press conference for Zach Parise and Ryan Suter is quaint. Very nice. I've been around the Wild and Minnesota sports for too long. I have some other ideas of what might be said at the press conference.

- The real reason Parise and Suter signed with the Wild was becuase they were promised the chance to switch it up. Suter will play left wing, Parise will play defense.

- Early in the press conference Parise will say he is very happy to be a member of the Wild. Suter will agree, stating "Yes, we are both happy to be Wilds. Wait, that doesn't sound right". And then Suter will get a concussion bashing his head on the table.

- "Boy, I'm sure glad we signed these contracts ahead of the lockout" 

- Parise and Suter will ask that something be done about "that whole Pierre Marc Bouchard thing, if you know what we mean." Everyone knows what they mean.

- Suter, upset that Parise is getting all the attention, demands to be traded.

- Parise, realizing he will be playing right down the street from his parents also demands to be traded.  

Pretty much ever since I have been here, nothing good has ever happened to the Wild. For that matter, nothing good has happened to the Maple Leafs or Islanders, either. Finally, someone affiliated with Barry Melrose Rocks has something to cheer about! The Wild signed Zach Parise AND Ryan Suter! This instantly vaults the team to perhaps the 5th playoff spot in the west.

I'm not going to sit here and pretend that the Wild are a great team, or have any history to fall back on. Parise and Suter came to Minnesota because they wanted to be close to home (or in Suter's case, close to their wife's home).  It was a fortuitous reak, certainly, one that Minnesotans are very happy about.

I guess it's just bad luck for the Islanders and Maple Leafs. After all, I've never heard of anyone voluntarily going to New York, and I'm pretty sure there aren't many hockey players from Ontario. 

[Henrik and Daniel Sedin are reviewing the Canucks roster]

Henrik: He has the smooth leathery skin of a porpoise.

Daniel: Not like our pockmarked, pasty  skin, clearly unlike any sea mammal. 

Henrik:  He has the thick long hair of a marmoset.

Daniel: And so dark! Why can't he have red, scraggly hair, cropped close in a goatee like a normal person?

Henrik: He wears too many pads

Daniel: Coward.

Henrik: He ends his name with a vowel, like a dirty Finn.

Daniel: EFTERBLIVEN 

Henrik: So it's settled then

Daniel: It is settled.

Henrik: Roberto Luongo must go

Daniel: Perhaps he can go to Florida, with the rest of the sea mammals. 

Scene: Somewhere in Ontario, JORDAN STAAL is getting married.


(This is actually of Marc Staal's wedding, but it;s a nice picture that I took from What's up, ya Sieve) 

JORDAN: Man, I’m so nervous…I don’t know if I should go through with this.

ERIC: Jordan, don’t be a frickin’ puss. There’s a million reasons you wanted to get hitched to this girl, right?

JORDAN: Yeah, but I’m all worried. I feel like I’m gonna barf all over the place or pass out or something. I’m all shaky and stuff. This must be how Chihuahuas feel all the time.

JARED:  Good thing I got crackers! See, that’s why I’m the best man.

MARC:  How are you the best man? You’re barely a hockey player.

JORDAN: Guys, I explained this like a thousand times. I didn’t want to choose between you guys, so I figured the only fair way was with the mud wrestling match, and Jared won, fair and square.

ERIC: He did not! I only slipped because the sun was in my eyes.

MARC: We did it at night, Eric. There was no sun. But you’re right—Jared played real frickin’ dirty and I want a rematch.

JARED: I played to win, bitches. Sorry I’m not sorry. Sucks to suck.

JORDAN: Jared, could you get me some water, please?

JARED: Sure thing! (leaves)

ERIC: Jordan, if you didn’t want to choose between us, why didn’t you choose someone else to be your best man? Like, a teammate or whatever?

JORDAN: (thinks for a bit) Nah, I couldn’t make Sidney and Marc-Andre fight each other. Besides, I know if I asked him to be here, Max Talbot would give all of the bridesmaids herpes.

(JARED returns) JARED: Here’s some water, Jordan.

JORDAN: Thanks, dude. (SIDNEY CROSBY enters) SIDNEY!