Tonight is the Espy's on ESPN, as you undoubtedly all know. Let's run through those affiliated with the NHL that I anticipate winning an Espy this year! Pinnacle of sports achievement!

Best NHL player: Jonathan Quick, Goalie, Los Angeles Kings - Slightly above average through most of the season, he came to the attention of most ESPN watchers during the 30 second highlight packages the network aired during the Stanley Cup Playoffs. Wins on name recognition.

Aaaaand that's about it. Enjoy the show tonight, everyone! 

A look at some of the former hockey players from the Mighty Ducks, a mid 90s youth hockey outfit. Clearly, the physical exertion they put forth as children didn't carry over into adulthood.

D, #2, Tommy Duncan
 

F #7 Dwayne Robertson
 

D #44 Fulton Reed
 

D #56 Russ Tyler
 

So, yeah, way to go, youth sports. See if I ever sign my kids up for hockey. 

The Wild are planning a press conference in under a half an hour. The idea is that it is an introductory press conference for Zach Parise and Ryan Suter is quaint. Very nice. I've been around the Wild and Minnesota sports for too long. I have some other ideas of what might be said at the press conference.

- The real reason Parise and Suter signed with the Wild was becuase they were promised the chance to switch it up. Suter will play left wing, Parise will play defense.

- Early in the press conference Parise will say he is very happy to be a member of the Wild. Suter will agree, stating "Yes, we are both happy to be Wilds. Wait, that doesn't sound right". And then Suter will get a concussion bashing his head on the table.

- "Boy, I'm sure glad we signed these contracts ahead of the lockout" 

- Parise and Suter will ask that something be done about "that whole Pierre Marc Bouchard thing, if you know what we mean." Everyone knows what they mean.

- Suter, upset that Parise is getting all the attention, demands to be traded.

- Parise, realizing he will be playing right down the street from his parents also demands to be traded.  

Pretty much ever since I have been here, nothing good has ever happened to the Wild. For that matter, nothing good has happened to the Maple Leafs or Islanders, either. Finally, someone affiliated with Barry Melrose Rocks has something to cheer about! The Wild signed Zach Parise AND Ryan Suter! This instantly vaults the team to perhaps the 5th playoff spot in the west.

I'm not going to sit here and pretend that the Wild are a great team, or have any history to fall back on. Parise and Suter came to Minnesota because they wanted to be close to home (or in Suter's case, close to their wife's home).  It was a fortuitous reak, certainly, one that Minnesotans are very happy about.

I guess it's just bad luck for the Islanders and Maple Leafs. After all, I've never heard of anyone voluntarily going to New York, and I'm pretty sure there aren't many hockey players from Ontario. 

[Henrik and Daniel Sedin are reviewing the Canucks roster]

Henrik: He has the smooth leathery skin of a porpoise.

Daniel: Not like our pockmarked, pasty  skin, clearly unlike any sea mammal. 

Henrik:  He has the thick long hair of a marmoset.

Daniel: And so dark! Why can't he have red, scraggly hair, cropped close in a goatee like a normal person?

Henrik: He wears too many pads

Daniel: Coward.

Henrik: He ends his name with a vowel, like a dirty Finn.

Daniel: EFTERBLIVEN 

Henrik: So it's settled then

Daniel: It is settled.

Henrik: Roberto Luongo must go

Daniel: Perhaps he can go to Florida, with the rest of the sea mammals. 

Scene: Somewhere in Ontario, JORDAN STAAL is getting married.


(This is actually of Marc Staal's wedding, but it;s a nice picture that I took from What's up, ya Sieve) 

JORDAN: Man, I’m so nervous…I don’t know if I should go through with this.

ERIC: Jordan, don’t be a frickin’ puss. There’s a million reasons you wanted to get hitched to this girl, right?

JORDAN: Yeah, but I’m all worried. I feel like I’m gonna barf all over the place or pass out or something. I’m all shaky and stuff. This must be how Chihuahuas feel all the time.

JARED:  Good thing I got crackers! See, that’s why I’m the best man.

MARC:  How are you the best man? You’re barely a hockey player.

JORDAN: Guys, I explained this like a thousand times. I didn’t want to choose between you guys, so I figured the only fair way was with the mud wrestling match, and Jared won, fair and square.

ERIC: He did not! I only slipped because the sun was in my eyes.

MARC: We did it at night, Eric. There was no sun. But you’re right—Jared played real frickin’ dirty and I want a rematch.

JARED: I played to win, bitches. Sorry I’m not sorry. Sucks to suck.

JORDAN: Jared, could you get me some water, please?

JARED: Sure thing! (leaves)

ERIC: Jordan, if you didn’t want to choose between us, why didn’t you choose someone else to be your best man? Like, a teammate or whatever?

JORDAN: (thinks for a bit) Nah, I couldn’t make Sidney and Marc-Andre fight each other. Besides, I know if I asked him to be here, Max Talbot would give all of the bridesmaids herpes.

(JARED returns) JARED: Here’s some water, Jordan.

JORDAN: Thanks, dude. (SIDNEY CROSBY enters) SIDNEY!

Last night, I fell asleep with a rerun Criminal Minds playing on my TV. This probably tells you a little too much about me already. If you have never seen the show, it's a procedural drama that involves FBI profilers hunting for serial killers, generally, with their various quirks of victimology or methodology. They use the term "un-sub" quite frequently.

So that was my state of mind as I drifted off to sleep. In my little dream world I recall receiving a phone call from the sheriff (I live in a large enough town that we have a police department. This, apparently, was a county matter). Did I hear that Kevin Schultz was DEAD? What about Ryan Boyd, my fellow writer at Ice Insiders? DEAD.  MURDERED. BOTH MURDERED.

It became apparent to me, just as it had to the police, that there was a serial killer going after hockey bloggers. They took down two guys that I worked with closely over the years. I MUST BE NEXT. Then it came. A knock on the door. Could it be? Had the killer come for me? Feeling rather cavalier about the whole thing, I opened the door, and waiting there was.... Loser Domi?

 "They're coming to kill us!" She said. I remain confused as to how she found me, because she now lives in the mythical land of Tampa Bay. Regardless, she knew what was up. Someone was killing hockey bloggers. That someone was coming after us. 

"Come inside! They will never find us here" I assured her.

After she came in my house, she said "Why wouldn't the killer be able to find you in your home? Besides, you live on a main road."

In waking consciousness, I realize how silly it was that, if she found these flaws in hiding at my house, then why did she try it? Anyways, at this point, someone was trying to break into my house though my glass patio doors. It was the killer! It was....

Wyshynski! Wait... Wyshysnki?

Anyways. That's when I woke up. The offseason can't end soon enough.

PS, I fell back asleep and dreamt that my girlfriend was pregnant. Infinitely more terrifying. 

Rick Nash, man. Is he ever going to leave Columbus? He was supposed to be traded last year during the offseason so the Blue Jackets could collect a bounty of prospects. Instead, the BJs tried to bolster their team, adding Jeff Carter. That was an interesting strategy. 

Then at the trade deadline, he was supposed to be traded again. Instead, the Jackets traded Jeff Carter. Dammit Jeff Carter! Is it your fault that Rick Nash is still in Columus? Maybe.

Now, during the draft, it was almost certain  he was going to get traded, right? Well, apparently, those in Colombus, and across the NHL forgot about him, because he wasn't even moved tonight. My belief, personally, is that Columbis does not have functioning electricity, and thus the airport can't accept any traffic, inbound or outbound. And also, the Blue Jackets cannot ake or receive phone calls.

Sorry, Rick, you're stranded in Ohio. At least it's not Edmonton. 

Sure, the Devils lost in the Stanley Cup Finals. Sure the team is probably going to do some severe reorganizing this year. Sure he celebrated the lockout by getting hepatitis. But Patrick Elias had the last laugh. How is that, you say?

He was the last person seen with the game winning puck from the Stanley Cup finals.  So, while the Kings may have their names forever engraved in the greatest trophy in sports, they may forever be without a chunk of rubber that played a brief role in their conquest of the rest of the league.

I don't know how the Kings will sleep at night. 

With the NHL Awards presented in Las Vegas tonight, I thought we at Barry Melrose Rocks should present our player awards for the season. We would have an official awards ceremony, and we had the Rugby, North Dakita VFW all locked up, but scheduled it against the NHL awards, so we decided just to announce the winners online. Make the jump to see who tonight's winners are!