From the East: Leave Toronto, drive through miles and miles of empty country, and after days without any substantial civilization, see Winnipeg on the horizon. You are still 5 hours out.
From the West: Leave Calgary drive through miles and miles of empty country, and after days without any substantial civilization (outside of what, Saskatoon?), see Winnipeg on the horizon. You are still 5 hours out.
From the South: Leave, I don't know, Kansas City? drive through miles and miles of empty country, and after days without any substantial civilization (outside of what, Fargo?), see Winnipeg on the horizon. You are still 5 hours out.
From the North: Why the hell would you becoming from the north?!
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Tim Thomas: You Dwayne, I'm glad they have the air conditioning turned up here. It gets so UNBEARABLE in the summer here. Just way too hot. Like that food ftom Applebees! Way too hot and Spicy!
Dwayne Roloson: Eunice? Eunice is that you?
TT: No Dwayne, it's me Timmy Thomas!
DR: Good to see you Jimmy! My eyes aren't what they used to be
TT: It's all right Dwayne.. I -- DAGNABBIT YOU KIDS, STOP IT WITH YOUR ROUGHHOUSING!
DR: Keep your voice down, Eunice!
TT: No, Dwayne, it's Tim. I was just saying that I --- HEY YOU RAPSCALLIANS, GET OUT OF MY CREASE!
DR: Eunice! You're going to give me a heart attack with all that yelling!
TT: Dwayne, it's my Tim Thomas! It's nice to have all these youngsters around, but it's just so gosh darned tough to have a conversation with the racket. Tyler! Tyler Seguin! Don't you dare shoot that in the house!
/Seguin shoots anyways, scores
TT: TYLER! YOU ALMOST HIT MR. ROLOSON!
DR: Heh heh, Eunice, honey, you don't have to call me Mr. Roloson!
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Hey kiddos! You’ve probably been worried sick about what you’re gonna do since your pal JR hasn’t been on the interwebs so much. I figure I’ll drop by so I don’t have to Twitter as often, and so you can stop sending me requests for Farmville and other Facebook shit.
I recently tried something new to drink. It’s called Bud Light Lime. Anybody who knows me knows I like Bud Light, and the lime’s a nice summer twist. I was surprised at how much I like it since I don’t normally like fruits around my beer—just ask Sean Avery (ZING) (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)
Yeah, I know yesterday was Mother’s Day. I was just busy sayin’ hi to my own mom and to all the other moms. All of you are greatness. Except Schultz’s mom, because I left my jacket there one time and when I went to get it, she was all “what jacket?” Liar. Also, Ryan’s mom…well, she knows what she did.
But hey, you’re not here to see me talk smack about people’s moms (even though that’s hilarious.) I’m an analyst now, so here are my reflections on the playoffs so far:
Phoenix Coyotes: I played with your organization twice, and you guys should be ashamed. I hear you guys finally got rid of Wayne Gretzky not too long ago, so that’s nice. He’s a hell of a player, but couldn’t coach a dog to shit on my neighbor’s lawn (ZING). Is it just me, or does Wayne Gretzky look more and more like a middle-aged butch lesbian every week? Him and Steven Tyler— even though Steven Tyler’s more feminine of the two, but he still looks like a retired art teacher or ex-hippie therapist (art therapist?) (Not that there's anything wrong with lesbians.) I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again—screw Detroit.
Chicago Blackhawks: PATRICK KANE, YOU LOOK HAMMERED ALL THE TIME. Try doing that when you’re forty, and I promise you, you’re gonna have far fewer hot chicks in flannel shirts willing to rid in limos with you. At least you guys got into the playoffs, which is nice, since that looked like a remote possibility leading to the end there. Maybe you kids should respect your elders and go to bed on time more often, so you’re not all tuckered out for real games.
Los Angeles Kings: I played for the Kings? When did that happen? Also, you have a player named Jack Johnson, which just evokes the shitty “acoustic rocker” surfer guy that frat boys pretend to like in an effort to appear sensitive in an attempt to get dumb chicks to sleep with them. In other words, SUCKTACULAR.
Philadelphia Flyers: I don’t blame you for folding against the Bruins. Zdeno Chara is one scary-ass dude, and I’m pretty sure he eats toddlers, which is not cool. Also, Michael Ryder is from Newfoundland, which I think means he’s automatically mildly retarded. I guess he’s one of those high-functioning retards, which is cool.
San Jose Sharks: SCREW DETROIT. Screw them well. Only, don’t actually screw them, because I’m pretty sure that’s how you catch diseases that you treat with a trip to the free clinic.
Now, for my predictions for the final:
BRUINS IN SIX. Why? Because I’m pretty sure Tampa Bay plays in the same league as the Hogwarts Hookensnaargen and the Narnia Obvious Christian Symbols. In other words, this can’t possibly be a real team. This isn’t because Florida’s a warm place that cannot support natural ice, but because I doubt Tampa actually exists. I mean, have you ever known anyone FROM Tampa? That sounds awfully suspicious to me…
SAN JOSE IN 7. Why? Because FUCK DETROIT, that’s why.
Well, that’s about all I have to say. It’s okay to go back to your World of Warcraft or whatever. Nerds.
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Welcome back to Boudreau Buffet! Tonight, we're cooking a delicious rack of ribs, as well as twice baked potatoes and for desert, strawberry cheesecake!
Now, if you have been with us for the first 20 minutes, you'll remember that the ribs have been slow roasted in my own special rub of spices. Boudreau's Best I call it! It's a dry rub, because I'm not a huge fan of messy dinners. I can get food on my tie without the help of a sloppy dinner, you know what I mean?! Haha!
And also, we have the potatoes that we have enhanced with butter, salt, garlic and topped, of course, with bacon! F&@ing awesome! The cheesecake is chilling in the refrigerator, so let's pull it all together and see how it looks!
GODDAMMIT WHY CAN'T I FINISH ANYTHING?!
no commentsThe way it looks, the conference finals are all but decided. Yes, I may be kinxing it, but that's sort of what I want. (Come on Nashville, come back on Vancouver!) That said, I am going to list three reasons for every one of the 4 teams remaining (or will be remaining in a few days).
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LOSER DOMI: Hello Ryan, thank you for coming in.
RYAN MILLER: Whatever.
LD: This season has been quite the roller coaster ride for Sabres, hasn’t it?
MILLER: Yeah, I guess you could say that. For the longest time, it didn’t look like we’d make the playoffs at all, then we kinda snuck in.
LD: And it seemed as though there were some concerns with injury to the Buffalo squad.
MILLER: Yeah, like you know how earlier in the season, I had a “loser body injury”?
LD: Yeah.
MILLER: I had a sore back.
LD: Which happens to a lot of goalies—
MILLER: I had a sore back from carrying this GODFORSAKEN team for, like, the past 5 years.
LD: Oh…
MILLER: I don’t know what happened in Buffalo. Maybe the city’s built on cursed Indian burial grounds or something. All I know is it SUCKS trying to carry the whole franchise. No man can do that.
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Do you realize that there are more teams in the playoffs from California than there are from Canada? In fact, there are three teams in from California and none from Ontario or Alberta combined. And we are guranteed at keast one of them in the second round after the Sharks and Kings are done. This obviously hurts a bit for the non-California based, non-playoff teams out there. This is for all of you up watching the late game tonight and for the next week or so that don't have a dog in the hunt. Here it is, the team based drinking game for the Sharks/Kings series
Senators
Drink whenever that son of a bitch Heatley touches the puck, scores or does anything with full effort.
Maple Leafs
Drink.
Islanders
Drink if Ryan Smyth cries. Disingenuous bastard.
Devils
Drink wistfully every time someone mentions how a hot goalie can take you deep into the playoffs.
Hurricanes
Drink with Paul Maurice, out of sympathy, with the Staals for a good time
Thrashers
Drink whenever that son of a bitch Heatley touches the puck, scores or does anything with full effort.
Panthersr
Hey you know what, f*ck you. You're in Miami
Blues
Drink if you can figure out what TJ Oshie is up to.
Blue Jackets
Drink while thinking og the good old days and the deep playoff runs of yore.
Wild
Drink for every empty seat or listless fan in the arena
Oilers
Drink while hoping the Kings will trade Gretzky back
Flames
Drink if you still can't figure out how you missed the post season with both Olli Jokinen AND Alex Tanguay
Avalanche
Drink and blame it all on Forsberg
Stars
Drink because you are the only Pacific Division team not to make the postseason. Ouch.
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Look at that guy. He's mustachioed, scary, and he knows it. He is pretty much the exact guy that you want filling your TV screen, destroying unexpecting Czechs with unexpected checks. This marketing gold mine and his Anaheim Ducks (I propose that we call them the Anaheim THUNDER Ducks while Parros is still in town) will be facing the Nashvill Predators in round one of the Stanley Cup playoffs. Awesome. Where can you watch the THUNDER Ducks play the Preds in the first round here in the states?
GAME 1 - Tonight (Not on US TV)
GAME 2 - Friday (Not on US TV)
Game 3 - Sunday (Not on US TV)
Game 4 - Next Wednesday (Not on US TV)
Oh. Well. I hope you TSN. People in Winnipeg are going to love this series.
Ducks in 6
no comments***Welcome to the official Chatroom of the Pittsburgh Penguins!***
Bylsma_Nowewillnotletyougo: Good news, everyone! Sid’s skating and practicing hard with the team again!
Fleruy_Avec_Sprinkles: WOOO! He will play in playoffs soon, non?
Bylsma_Nowewillnotletyougo: Well, he’ll probably miss round one. But he can still skate, even if he’s not totally clear for contact yet.
Fleruy_Avec_Sprinkles: Ah, poop.
ToThaMAXXX69: Is he still having concussion symptoms?
Bylsma_Nowewillnotletyougo: Nobody’s really saying anything on that front.
Staalboy_11: What a pusswad.
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