Guy Boucher is a simple man.  One of his most distinguishing features, aside from the 1-3-1 play, is his facial scar.  He’s never really been comfortable with discussing anything related to it.  In honor of his departure from the Tampa Bay Lightning, we here at Barry Melrose Rocks would like to offer our own theories behind that famous scar.

• ·         When he was younger, he hurt his leg and was bored, so he took up knitting as a way to pass the time.   One day, when he was really concentrating on knitting one while purling two, he sneezed and took a knitting needle to the face.

• ·         One night, he saved a bunch of orphans from a burning building.  Suddenly, he was surrounded by a pack of rabid wolves, but he fought them off with his bare hands.  This night later inspired the movie The Grey, but Boucher was never comfortable with the publicity.  It’s what anyone would have done.

• ·         He was ironing his shirt in a hotel, and room service came.  In his eager sprint for the door, he tripped on the cord and got an iron to the face.

• ·         Boucher’s a really big fan of The Walking Dead, so he dressed as a walker for ComiCon.  He just can’t get that fake scar makeup off his face, no matter how hard he scrubs.

• ·         He tried to go deer hunting…using only MIND BULLETS.

• ·         He was decorating the Christmas tree one year, and there was an accident with the star.  He doesn’t like to talk about it.

• ·         There was this one really weird summer when he worked with a traveling carnival in the freak show and…he’d just rather not talk about it.  Just beware of fire eaters and sword swallowers.

• ·         He had to defend Steven Stamkos’s honor one night.   One of the girls in Stamkos’s NHL 12 party/orgy got a little rough and rowdy with her stiletto heels.

• ·          There was a fight at the bar one night when they ran out of Bud Light Lime.

• ·         Let’s just say the Ice Girls aren’t always smiles and pompom shaking.

• ·         Steve Yzerman tossed him out on his ass and his cheek caught on the revolving door.

Quick, name the best video game of all time. IF you said anything other than EA's NHL94, please leave the website. The NHL, ever looking for a reason to get back in our good graces, is now posting highlights from this game on their site in honor of the 20th anniversary of the game. All right, it's pretty cool. And I've been watching them all.

The greatest dissapointment is that you don't often see the skate to the corner and cut across the net move in the NHL.

Things are tough in Buffalo. How do you fix it? With "the liquidation event to end all liquidation events" 

Real talk. Get that guy a lozenge. (Via SBNation)

/Massive Teemu wanking motion

Hockey and hair is sort of the breadbasket of Barry Melrose Rocks. Furthermore, as a resident of Minnesota, I saw most of these kids introduced. I can appreciate a good head of hair, but this... I don't know. Swooning over high schoolers squicks me out a little bit.

Let's break down the creepy lines one by one.

"I know people don't like the word moist, but that's the only way to describe this look"

"Sneaky little mustache"

"Now we get into purity here"

"We should look into a birth certificate, if possible"

"Kinda Tarzan. Real nice"

"A little bit longer and darker than we're used to"

"You've heard of the Harlem Shake. This is the Hermantown Holy Trinity" - This wasn't really creepy, but it definitely made me laugh.

"We wanted slow motion. Nope! He wanted it to much"

"That's why you're number one, but. You earned it."

"That's a serious man-beard for high school"

And then the breathing while he was searching for "best salad" which sealed the deal.

To recap: Hair appreciation good. Overly effusive praise for high schoolers... a little weird.

We don't make dedications here very often, but I'd like to buck that tradition a bit.  I know I haven't been good about posting, and I feel like I'm neglecting you guys.  Honestly, I'm maybe half-assing (more like quarter-assing) pretty much anything I'm doing at the current time.  So, I'd like to dedicate a post to Ryan "the Enforcer." Dude has been trying his best to keep this site afloat to make sure you never run out of hockey related dick jokes. No matter how down/distracted/drunk/etc I am, Ryan is busting his ass every day or so and still helping everyone laugh at the Red Wings missing the playoffs.  Ryan, I raise a drink and I made a little something for you. 

This very site was founded by the esteemed and formidable Kevin Schultz, pictured above. His ability to type witty, prescient blog posts was made all the more remarkable by the fact that he had no arms. Not long ago, he said he was going to the store to get some milk, and then he started writing at Islanders Point Blank and hasn't been back since. If you are like me, you are curious as to his more recent undertakings since we last crossed paths.

I could easily send him a pithy and well phrased e-mail to divine his activities of late (something along the lines of.. "'sup?") But Kevin hasn't really spoken to me ever since he found out that I'm rather interminable. Instead, I had to turn to Google to find out what out noble founder has been up to since he departed the blog he created. What's old Schultzy up to? (I don't think he likes being called "Schultzy")

- He has been teaching history at the University of Illinois Chicago! Perhaps he can take credit for the Blackhawks good fortune so far this year.

- He's done a little acting with his brother. I never realized he was so old.

- Join me in congratulating Kevin on his promotion at work!

So, you know what? I think there might be more than one Kevin Schultz. Say, Kevin is a writer! I bet his name has shown up in a news article here and there!

Oh, he's surfing? That's cool as hell. And out in California, there is a pretty good chance he runs into Snoop and his Ducks jersey. 

Well, anyways, I think that's what Kevin Schultz is up to. If you see him, tell him I said hi, and that I have the worst case of writer's block. 

Back in the day's of yore, during the first Obama administration, the NHL presented a realignment plan that divided the league into 4 conferences in which the top 4 teams would make the post season, with the four champions then playing in a semifinal on their way to the Stanley Cup. I loved this 

Loser Domi had some issues with it. She noted that several teams in Canada are now in the same division as the two Florida teams. They would fly over 8 teams from another conference to get to their rivals. This is geographically asinine. 

The Players didn't care for how the conferences were aligned. Teams in the 7 teams conferences had a better chance at getting into the playoffs. The Red Wings didn't like it because they are babies who were upset they didn't get to play with the Eastern Conference. The Board of Governors went back to the drawing board, and came back with steamed garbage.

Now, there is a wild card for teams 7 and 8. Not only that, but it would still be two conferences, so the Stanley Cup finals would still be west versus east, excluding a fun possibility of say, New York versus Montreal, and removing the regional intensity of the early playoff rounds. That pretty much eliminates my favorite part of the proposed realignment. 

Oh, and the divisions?

Oh good. Still stupid. So basically, they solved the problem by eliminating the cool part and keeping the stupid part. 

I'm so happy that the Players and Red Wings have what they wanted though, that's the important thing. Who cares what fans are interested in (hint: not the NHL, not now, not ever)? 

Hopefully when the NHL inevitably expands, there is a little bit of innovation and some common sense. I hope someone has already addressed this.

You may never get an opportunity like this again! Look at who is in ninth place and out of the playoffs! Look! Looooook! Laugh at their misfortune!

AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHA The Red Wings suck! They're out of the playoffs (if they started today)! They --- 

Wait. They're still two spots ahead of the Wild. Dammit. 

It's amazing, when you think about it. A meteor, rocketing through space for millions -- billions -- of years finally came to its end by burning up in the atmosphere of planet earth, in plain view of someone's appropriately placed dash camera. Amazing!

What a rare happenstance!  They say something like this only happens once a decade, and only once every 70 years over land. And to have it happen on film for so many people. What are the odds of that? Astronomical!

Oh Ilya. You'll have to remember that one for later. 

Consider the moon. How long must that have spun in the Earth's night sky? If a meteor only strikes the Earth once every 10 years, you must believe that strikes on the lunar surface must be even more rare, given the smaller size of the sphere. But lo! Look at crater mottled surface, knowing the rarity of  meteor strikes on a surface and consider how long the moon must have existed in order to demonstrate such a craggy visage.

Say, speaking of the moon, why is this gentleman brandishing his buttocks in my direction?

Oh! Wait! Don't! D'oh! No!

Aww....