Ever watch Tosh.0? It's awesome if you're a bored 18-35 year-old like myself. Tosh's show is an ingenious idea, basically he shows funny YouTube clips and cracks jokes about them. Essentially it's what we do except in TV show form so he's a lot more rich and famous than all of us combined. If only we had thought of it first... Anyway, one of the things he does is put 20 seconds on a clock and make rapid fire jokes about a specific video. Today, I'm going to try it. Except this is a blog and there's no way to accurately count time. Just imagine there is and read these jokes as fast as you can.
- You know a video is gold when the camera person proudly announces that they've gotten the camera to record.
- These guys are clearly Dallas Stars fans because after living with Marty Turco for the last 9 years any goalie seems like a good one.
- This cat is a big showoff. I haven't seen a goalie lay out in such a completely unnecessary fashion since Dominik Hasek left the NHL.
- If this cat played for the Canadians, he would have been run out of town years ago.
- Is it weird that I can't think of a single joke to make about the Islanders?
- I haven't seen a cat this cool under pressure since Homeward Bound.
- Is it weird that if you asked me to choose between living with this cat and Mark Messier I would choose this cat every time?
Yes, I have been posting with stunning regularity lately, but after this I will stop and wait until a certain video is produced and posted. Well, for a while, anyways. I understand LD is looking for Michael Bay to direct.
Anyways, I have nothing to add to this story from Puck Daddy. The cupcake with the M&M's looks like about the only one I would eat though. The rest would just be way too sweet, like when Garth Snow tries to be a General Manager
Today is the beginning of the most hellish weeks in a sports fan's life. It's the time of the dreaded "My Wish" segments on Sportscenter. Don't get me wrong, I love that teams are charitable and give these kids who are going through so much such a great day. What I hate is watching it. I want to watch ESPN for the highlights and scores and vigorous competition, I don't want to see those frail but lovable children trying their hardest as a bunch of big tough athletes open up their hearts and their worlds and let these sweet cherubs in, if only for a day, to have a good time and take their mind off the world.
Excuse me, I have a little dust in my eye.
Naturally, since for ESPN this is a money making, scratching their own back type of thing, they don't have any hockey players or teams featured. Well, I thought I might go ahead and give them some ideas.
- Hockey blogger Ryan "The Enforcer" Henning is racked by guilt and shame. Why? He cannot skate, and he writes about hockey! His home town team, the Minnesota Wild takes him to a local outdoor rink in late May to teach him how to skate.
- Kevin Schultz wants desperately to have a winning team in Long Island. The Islanders laugh, but give him a huge, wall sized poster with this image on it.
- Loser Domi, from a lonely town in rural New England gets taken on a tour of Toronto by by Phil Kessel, Luca Caputi and other players she has never heard of and shown amazing sites, like a McDonalds, a stoplight and prostitutes.
- The Detroit Red Wings give another chance to a 40 year old forward whose best years are long behind him. Long, long, long behind him. Oh wait, that one might actually happen.
That dreamboat up there is Mikko Koivu, who recently signed a 7 year deal to stay in Minnesota. Thank goodness. He obviously feels good about the future of the team and young stars like Owen Nolan and Andrew Brunette, and loves the Minnesota nightlife and especially the Minnesota winters. The question becomes whether or not Minnesota will accept Mikko Koivu.
Will Minnesota warm to a Scandinavian with blond hair and a quiet demeanor who goes about his business and quickly signed a contract without any drama and appears to want to stay in the Twin Cities for the long haul? Boy, he's just so hard to like and has so little in common with most Minnesotans.
Sidebar: If I saw Mikko walking down the street I would probably think he was a cousin of mine. He looks like about half of my family.
A while ago, I extolled the virtues of NHL 09. It's an awesome game, continuing a history of awesome hockey games on the EA platform. I also mentioned that the historically awesome EA NHL games always seem to come when the Chicago Blackhawks are good. That's not why we came, however.
As many people do, I create myself as a player, but what most people don't do is randomly assign them to a team. Well, I was created and ended up with the Flames. I have dilligently put in my time with Calgary for 2 Be A Pro seasons, and then, in the offseason, I got traded. What? It's by far the most bizarre thing that's happened to me in a video game, except that one time on an NCAA basketball game Purdue was booted from the Big Ten.
But I digress. What did I do to you, Calgary? Why did you send me off to Phoenix? And for Keith Yandle? That's all I'm worth to you, is Keith Yandle? And are you trying to make me feel bad that I don't get to live in Phoenix in real life, and am instead subjected to the mercy of these cruel Minnesota winters, pretending to be in Phoenix. *sigh*
At least golfers who wear pink shirts will be my fans.
Yesterday, I went to TSN, or Canadian ESPN as you might know it. They have a feature on the NHL coming back to Canada, because apparently it's a popular game up there. They had one video that, according to the description, looked at the teams that might consider moving to Canada. IT ws an interesting premise, but then I clicked the link and I got the above window. Americans are being censored!
What kind of Canada only scheming could they be doing up there? Are they putting together plans to steal the Saint Louis Blues? Is this some sort of code video for Canadians so they can be abreast of their plans to take Vermont without dirty Americans seeing it coming? Am I right to be paranoid?
JR tiiiime and the living is eeeeaaaaasssyyy…’Sup losers? It’s your old pal Jeremy Roenick back again. What, you thought that just because the season’s over that I would take time off? Suckers! Being JR means NEVER taking a day off.
It’s been a month since the Chicago Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup. Patrick Kane is still drunk off his ass, but I guess that’s not really news.
Can you believe it’s July already? Man, this summer’s moving faster than sweat dripping off Mike Milbury’s manboobs. HURK…I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. I am sorry I got you all thinking about Milbury’s pale, jiggly manboobs.
As an American—and one of the highest-scoring Americans in the NHL, might I add—I love the Fourth of July. I think we should celebrate more holidays with drinking, grilling, and fireworks. It’s too bad my birthday’s in January, because that month is only good for the drinking. I mean, sure, you could grill and shoot fireworks in January, especially since it gets dark at like 5 at night. But it’s just more fun in July.
Bob Probert died recently. There isn’t a joke in that; I just wanted to wish BoPro’s family all the best and to offer them my thoughts and prayers.
I wonder what happens if you use a vuvuzela with the other end.
I guess free agency was pretty exciting for some people. Ilya Kovalchuk is still a name I keep hearing, and I still wonder why. I thought he ran to Russia like three years ago. Then again, this was a guy who played for Atlanta and was excited to play in New Jersey, so maybe he’s not in his right mind anyway.
Do you ever have dreams where you wake up and you can’t remember if it was actually a dream or not? Those suck. I had a dream not too long ago where I was at the grocery store and this old lady was taking her sweet, sweet time trying to decide what kind of olives to buy. For some reason, this made me mad enough to scream “FLIP A DAMN COIN ALREADY, WRINKLE TITS!” When I woke up, I was thinking how it totally could have happened. I don’t know whether or not I should apologize or what. But then again, it was some old lady I didn’t even know. What am I going to do, go around apologizing to every old lady for calling her Wrinkle Tits, even if it never actually happened? Screw that.
Well, that about wraps up some ruminations from your old buddy JR for this time, kiddos. Make sure you say hi to your mother for me. I hear she’s a real classy lady.
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Bloguin is the revolutionary blog network specifically focused on helping bloggers get the most out of their websites. We're currently working on building a large network of online communities and hope to expand our blogging coverage to include a wide range of topics. 
The Bloguin Network allows advertisers to promote their products and services to our ever-growing number of visitors. We offer both site-specific ad placements as well as the ability to run a network-wide campaign. If you're interested in working with Bloguin to meet your advertising needs, please contact us.
The Bloguin Network is always looking to expand. We're specifically looking for blogs in the sports, entertainment, and video games field, but are open to adding any type of quality site.. If you're a blogger and interested in joining our network, please fill out our application form.
The Bloguin Login gives you full access to everything our network has to offer. Your name and password will work for each and every one of our sites. Signing up is simple, and will allow you to post in all our forums, create member blogs, and access other cool features! What are you waiting for? Create an Account! 