LOSER DOMI: Well, it's getting a bit late, but I might be able to get some interviews here...
SIDNEY CROSBY: Hey! I'll talk to yer magazine whatever-thingy! (takes large swig of champagne bottle)
LD: Well, uh, thank you, Sidney Crosby. It's a blog.
CROSBY: Whata blog, like on the internet? Cool, I'll talk to you.
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American Fan: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO USA USA USA
HEY, WHERE ARE THE AMERICAN FANS?...... Anyone? Anyone know where the rest of the American fans are? You with the tits, do you know where the rest of the Americans are?
Finally, we are down to four teams left in the Olympics. With 4 games left, we have 4 occasions to drink. I recommend drinking an ethnically specific beverage. I have some recommendations, because I am hear to aid your alcoholism.
US - Jack DAniels
Canada - Molson
Slovakia - Slovakian plum brandy
Finland - Anything. It doesn't even have to be cold.
Now that we have those stereotypes out of the way, let's get to 4 more, on for each country! I apologize in advance to dedicated reader Sleza, but if my ethnic stereotyping is correct so far, she's half in the bag already.
DRINK
... whnever the Miracle on Ice is referenced during American games. I assure you, Paul Stastny does not care about the Miracle on Ice.
... for every double letter in the Finnish puck handler's name. I'm not sure who you are, Lasse Kukkonen, but I drink to you! Twice!
... every time you recognize someone on the Slovakian team, only to realize that they no longer play in the NHL. Hey! It'z Ziggy Palffy! And he's on a line with Jozef Stumpel!
... every time you hear about how important hockey is to Canada. Yes, we get it. It's cold in Canada, and they like skating. Say, they should get the Olympics some time!
Drinking person of the Olympics..... Bob Costas!
- Bob Costas is the sports' world's answer to Matthew Broderick
- Bob is perhaps one of the most famous sports personalities in the country, despite working for NBC and being too short to compete on his high school's ping pong team
- Because of his foul mouth, Bob has always been on tape delay.
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We're here with Ron Paul on MSNBC, getting his opinion on the break down in relations between Canada and the United States, due to something called "hockey". Ron Paul, what's you take?!
Ron Paul: This never would have happened if they weren't a bunch of socialists in Canada!
Insightful is always, Mr. Paul! Stay tuned for more from Vancouver where "hockey" has broken out!
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LOSER DOMI: First of all, I'd like to thank you for agreeing to call in from Vancouver, Mr. Grabovski.
MIKHAIL GRABOVSKI: Please, it is Mkihail, or Grabbo if you likes. I flexible guy (pause) Oh wait, you can'ts see me winking over phone can yous?
LD: No, I can't. Sorry.
MG: Oopsies.
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Has there ever been a manlier name in the history of manliness than that which oozes from each syllable of the name Tore Vikingstad? Did you have to look up where Mr. Vikingstad was from or did you just know that he was from Norway because he couldn't possibly be something like, I don't know, French? Is it even a question as to whether or not Mr. Vikingstad is in fact the Ruler of the Known Universe because every time you say his name the syllables leap from your tounge and head straight to Colorado to bitch slap Paul Stastny? Has there even been another man who could create fear in an enemy with only his name?
*sound of a record stopping*
PAUL STASTNY: WHO IS THIS WHO QUESTIONS THE AWESOME POWERS OF STASTNY??? I ASK THEE TO STEP FORWARD AND DISPLAY OR NOT DISPLAY THEIR COURAGE.
As Team Finland steam rolls the competition in Vancouver - led, of course, by Carolina players Tuomo Ruutu & Joni Pitkanen - I'm taking this moment to bask in their glory. And what better way to celebrate the Finns than with some Coco:
hakkaa päälle!
no comments***Welcome to the Official Chatroom of USA Olympic Men's Hockey Team!***
Kane_Is_Abel: 'Sup G's? It's Olympic times, beetches!
Ho_Malone: Uh, what did you just say?
KesselRun81Parsecs: YAAAY! New Friendies!
Kane_Is_Abel: Yeah, we gonna kick some ass all the way to bronze, amirite, or amirite?
Kane_Is_Abel: /awkward gang sign.
Ho_Malone: Dude, why do you try to talk like a rapper? You're from friggin' Buffalo. Seriously.
KesselRun81Parsecs: Buffalo? Like where the wings come from? They're tasty.
Kane_Is_Abel: I'm just tryin' to readjust before I can get my dehonkyfying surgery done. I mean, it's not like I don't admire the honkys and cracka-ass crackas out there, know what I'm sayin'?
Orpik_Excell: LOL wut?
Kane_Is_Abel: I mean, I admire your culture and all, but I ain't one of ya.
Kesselrun81Parsecs: The hell are you talking about?
Orpik_Excell: I think he thinks he's black.
Kane_Is_Abel: I mean, I even do research into your beautiful culture. Like Big and Rich:
KesselRun81Parsecs: WOO Big and Rich!
Ho_Malone: You're a disgrace to...common decency.
Orpik_Excell: You don't even know the words. Nice Blackberry.
Kane_Is_Abel: Ain't no thang but a chicken wing.
(glovetap to The Hockey Chronicles for finding this video)
no commentsGotta love Barry Melrose. As you know, we do quite a bit. Yesterday he was on the set of ESPN's First Take and had an interesting exchange with host Jay Crawford. After going back and forth for a bit about who is an older old coot, Melrose reveals Canada's beauty secret is... um... Chicken poop? He gets +1 for momentarily stunning Crawford.
This was all on live television so, naturally, ESPN rolled out their standard apology letter a little while later. But it's OK, Barry. I'm not mad at you. In fact, I'd imagine people would actually watch First Take if this is what happened on a regular basis. But, sadly, Jaw Crawford and Dana Jacobson are about as entertaining and funny as chicken poop. I would say that you should take over at First Take, Barry, but no one should go near that show without a blowtorch and kerosene. So next time, just stick to Sportscenter buddy.
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