Dustin Penner: Tom...check it out. I think Moby is back there.

Tom Gilbert: Uh......

Dustin: You know, Moby. Bald guy, glasses. I think he was on Sesame Street or something.

Tom: Oh yeah. Moby.

[Silence]

Dustin: Hey Tom. You ever read the internet?

Tom: Does it have boobs?

Dustin: Totally.

Tom: Sweet.

Dustin: Yeah, but the internet says we're like the Empire from Star Wars. I don't know why.

Tom: I don't know. Maybe the Death Star

Dustin: Oh right.

[silence]

Dustin: Hey Tom. Want to go to a bar tonight?

Tom: Sure. You buying?

Dustin: Lol

Tom: Lol

By now, we've all probably seen the video of Alex Ovechkin and Steve Downie. You know, the one where Matt Bradley flys in out of nowhere to protect his captain like a bodyguard or a girlfriend hell bent on protecting her man.

Downie and Oveckin got into a scrum and each got two minutes for roughing. When they came out of the box, they when right back at it because they didn't seem to like that the refs didn't give them each 5 minutes the first time. Then, Bradley comes flying in out of nowhere (actually it was from a borderline change off the bench, but whatev) to protect his captain. How freaking sweet is that if you're Alex Ovechkin?

"Oh yeah, I was going to fight this guy but Matt's got it. I think I'll go back to flirting with that girl in the third row."

So I've decided that I want my own Matt Bradley. If, for example, I'm out at a bar and some guy starts creepin' up on my girl. MATT BRADLEY. Or what if I'm at the gym playing basketball and some bullies come and push me around? Matt. Damon... Errr... Bradley. What if I'm at the supermarket and some little old lady cuts me off on the way to the express line? Matt. FREAKING. Bradley.

Yes, yes, I know, two straight games of Minnesota Wild drinking games. This is my feature, so you're going to have to deal with it. The Wild are my favorite team, and I actually don't have to work and can watch them on national TV. It's going to be weird, listening to announcers verbally fellate Sidney Crosby instead of talking about how great hockey in Minnesota is. It will be a change of pace. Not necessarily a good change of pace, but definitely different.

This game will feature two of my least favorite alternate sweaters. The Penguins baby blue number is just part of an alarming trend in the 2000s to put baby blue anywhere possible. Why baby blue? Why not green or orange or black? Is it because of North Carolina? With all respect to Dave, screw North Carolina. Oh, and the other alternate is the Wild's red. But Ryan, you say, their regular jersey is red! It didn't used to be though. It was green and awesome before. Their alternate was a flaming red piece of crap. They turned the piece of crap into the main jersey, and now green is the alternate. Hockey uniforms make me angry. Don't even get me started on breezers.

DRINK

...if Greg Zanon blocks a shot. Drink while shouting "Zanon!" to make it even more fun.

... if James Sheppard does anything that makes you think "oh yeah, this guy is a top prospect!" Frankly, you should finish the bottle if that happens. I'm a little bitter

... whenever Kris Letang looks like he knows what's up. Yeah. Kris Letang knows whats up.

... while you contemplate which is more intimidating, an adjective or a flightless Antarctic bird.

Drinking player of the week : Clayton Stoner

- Clayton Stoner has heard all the jokes.

- Clayton grew a faux hawk so the douchey factor would counteract the awesome factor of his last name. Now he can live a normal life.

- Stoner has played eight games with two assists, making him far more effective than Martin Skoula ever was.

Oh no! It's three Finnish hockey players coming precariously close to the boards and plexiglass that separates us and will certainly impede their progress should they colide with them! I better lean slightly to my left just in case!

IN OTHER NEWS

Who invited this guy?

(Yoinked from www.redwings.nhl.com)

This is the second Minnesota-Chicago game we have had this season. What, is Minnesota not good enough to garner attention unless Chicago is involved? Vice versa? Why don't they put the obviously superior Canadian teams on Versus? Especially if they want to show the Northwest conference. But I digress. I am glad the Wild are one of Versus' favorite teams. If they can get on TV more, perhaps that will mean free agents want to come to Minnesota, knowing they will get the same TV time. Those narcissistic free agents. Since last we saw the Wild, they have really turned it around, thanks to newcomers stepping up, not the least of whom is noted lothario Guillaume Latendresse.Of course, with the Wild playing Brent Seabrook and organized crime's favorite team, the Blackhawks, this is your classic "Good vs Evil" game. So that's exciting. So anyways, I say we drink.

DRINK

... Every time the word "concussion" is said as it relates to a Minnesota player. By the time you are done, you will have the spins worse than Pierre-Marc Bouchard.

... For every wrong answer you get in this quiz in the Blackhawk and Wild categories. Jocelyn Thibault is not an answer.

... If Andrew Brunette scores a goal with his head. Five drinks if he is called a wimp for not using his face.

... For every goal Minnesota scores, multiplied by the points Minnesota is ahead of your team in the standings [only applicable if your name is Schultz or Loser Domi]

Dinking player of the week: Duncan Keith

- Duncan decided to go to Michigan State, despite being from Manitoba. He claims it was for an education, I'm sure, but you can't fool me. You went to Michigan State!

- The 'Hawks claim he is the assistant captain. Everyone knows that Seabrook is the boss. When the cops come, Keith will be the first to go down, and Seabrook will get away problem free. Again.

- Duncan recognizes that the has station's buy two sodas for 2 dollars deal is a good bargain, but he will decline the offer. He would rather steal them.

Tonight, boys and girls, we're going to be taking a bit of a different route with our semi-weekly chat. We'll be starting at 10:30 PM EST (come a bit earlier for the cocktail hour, if you like) and are going to be watching/discussing the Kings and Sharks game. And who says we're not down with OPP the west coast? Snoop will be there and maybe Tupac if we can master human resurrection by then.

Anywho, come in and join the fun. Topics will include but are not limited to:

- Bananas (pictured)

- Swedish Chicks (also pictured)

- Ric Flair

- Swedish Chicks

- Kings/Sharks

- Anze Kopitar

- Star Wars

- Swedish Chicks

By the way... DO NOT search "banana girl" on Google image search with the safe search off. I'm sure that warning won't stop you, but you can't say I didn't try.

In Unfortunate Headlines News, NHL.com gives us a gem about the Blues' new coach Davis Payne. "Payne Gets Blizted in Debut"

So, for those of you not "down with the kids" that basically means that Payne got drunk and stoned at the same time. The Blues were certainly looking to get a younger influence behind the bench when they replaced 58-year old Andy Murray with the 39-year old Payne but I'm not sure college frat parties on the bench for their young players is quite what John Davidson had in mind. Anyway, the always entertaining Urban Dictionary provides us with a vivid definition and example of what took place last night:

I didn't see the game, but I imagine it must have been awesome if you were sitting behind the Blues bench.