The NHL lockout finally ended last month, and surprisingly, fans have returned to the arenas, thirsting, lusting after hockey. Emotions are still raw, and there is a lot of animosity still out there. One fan in Detroit has found an unusual way to express his opinion. He will show up to the games, and still sport his Red Wings sweater, but he absolutely will not actually watch the game. Stay strong, pal.

As I mentioned some time ago, I was approached with an offer of a review copy of Barry Melrose's book, "Dropping the Gloves". With a website named "Barry Melrose Rocks" I'm sure Mr. Melrose's people were out looking for a favorable review. Completely honest here, but I went into the reading of this book with every intention of reading this book with a critical eye, and I did. 

For what it's worth, I liked the book.

I am a voracious reader. My favorite genre is usually international espionage (Daniel Silva is presently my favorite author), but I've always enjoyed John Grisham. His best works are typically written from the perspective of characters in the book. It provides an authenticity that adds another layer to the novels he writes. I was reminded of Grisham, oddly enough, when I read through Melrose's book.

Obviously, Grisham affects this voice, whereas it is authentic with Melrose. It's important to the book that we see Melrose as the farm kid from Kelvington and not the well coifed, slick ESPN analyst. If ever we are entered into the world of professional hockey, it would likely be along a similar path, either as a parent or, if you are really young and actually reading this website, as a player.

Another characteristic of Melrose's writing is a tone that reminds one of high school report writing. This isn't necessarily a knock. Melrose didn't choose writing as a profession, and the fact that he was coherent and the book got published is endlessly laudable. The "report" feel of the book sets an appropriate tone. This is a look at hockey's organization, through all levels and not a memoir. Melrose has points to make and he wants to ensure that you understand what he is trying to say. 

It's an easy read, and the book is fairly brief, but it is interesting. You get an impression of the various levels of hockey, but also a look at how one man handled those levels. He wasn't from a hockey family (though he is Wendel Clark's cousin) so he, like most of us, was an outsider.  The perspective of this book, the hockey fan who eventually made his way through pretty much every level of the game with every position available, is perfect for the audience. We all understand the game, but we don't necessarily understand the business end. Instead of dallying over details of individual games or rules and strategy, we are told about the perils of dealing with Junior hockey, the importance of locker room chemistry and how important the right situation is when becoming a head coach.

I really enjoyed Dropping the Gloves. (For the record, Melrose was a fighter during his time in the NHL, and espouses his view on fighting in the NHL, and makes some good points) I thought I would simply enjoy Melrose for his anecdotes, but I mostly enjoyed the way it was written, and the perspective on the game that was provided.

Before we begin, I just want to assert that Matt Cooke is one of my most hated players in the league. And now, if you'll excuse, me, I need to go to all caps for a second....

THIS IS THE EXACT MOMENT THAT MATT COOKE STEPPED ON THE BACK OF ERIK KARLSSON'S LEG AND SEVERED HIS GODDAMNED ACHILLES TENDON. CHRIST ON A BICYCLE.

Darcy
Gordie
Shaone
Shean
Teemu
Saku
Anze
Wendel
Darby
Colby
Colton
Sergei
Zigmund
Borje
Zdeno
Jari
Jaromir
Ulf
Lindy
Garth
Theoren

I assume people call the Leafs "Canada's team" anyway. 

Of course, the joke is on me. At least the Canes have 2 players scoring goals. The Wild have Zach Parise with 6 goals, and the rest of the team has 14. To put that another way, Tom Gilbert is tied for 3rd in goals with 2. To put it another way, Mike Rupp is tied for 10th. He hasn't played a game yet.

But hey, the Staals are working out for Carolina.

The Stars are playing tonight's NBCSN game against the Colorado Avalanche. We have been busting their chops pretty regularly since the season started. Mostly, the jokes have revolved around their usage of imaginary players and fans. Let's take a look at some real live facts about Texas' favorite hockey team (for Texans aware that there is a hockey team).

- The leading scorer is Ray Whitney. Jaromir Jagr is number 2 in points. Somehow, Mike Modano couldn't get any ice time with this team.

- Kari Lehtonen is the starting goaltender. I have a cousin named Kari. She's nice.

- The leader in +/- is Stephane Robidas, who is also 35. This team is super old. Well, at least the best players are super old.

- Stephane Robidas is only 5 years older than me. I'm practically washed up.

- The Stars have Ice Girls. 

-The Stars still use the motto "The Coolest Game on Earth" This was created back when the Stars were good, and Ray Whitney was young. Nostalgia, and whatnot.

I'm sure there are other things worth knowing, like "is Vernon Fiddler a fake name" and "is Brendan Morrow considered young or old on this team" but for tonight's game, this should be enough to get you through.

Today Roger Goodell and the NFL issued a statement on a very special plan for the biggest football game of the year. It was passed along to us because there was a hockey note in it. Here it is!

With the growing onus on player safety in the NFL, and the obvious necessity of finding a winner of this, the Super Bowl, the NFL reached a crossroads. How do you quickly find the best team in the league in as short a time as possible? Fortunately, the NHL has also encountered this issue and came up with the perfect solution (The Shootout), so we consulted them.

Now, if the game is not resolved after each team has had a possession in overtime, the game will be resolved by players throwing the footballs into a hole cut out of an inflatable soda can. See below:

It will be a best of 5 competition, with each player getting one attempt, in alternating turns at opposite ends of the stadium. The competition is not confined to quarterbacks, and if it is tied, the 'throw off' will continue until the tie is resolved, with new throwers inserted for every throw.

This is the perfect solution, obviously. Why not boil a complicated 60 minute game down to one skill, ignoring all others necessary to compete at a high level in this game, in order to judge who the best team that day is. After all, without fail, the best team is the one with the best throwers, be they quarterbacks, linebackers or offensive guards. Thank you, NHL, for your help in solving this problem

The NFL stated that this may be incorporated in future seasons of the NFL, and that teams that won in a throwoff were obviously just as good as a team that wins 56-0, and should be rewarded as such in the standings.

After yesterday's revelation that they were using their empty seats as a humor device, the Dallas Stars have now turned in a direction I was not expecting. They are now inventing players for their press releases!

Even children's books are incredulous.

No, Tasha Pym, we have never seen a Sneep.

Shame on you, Dallas Stars. Shame. On. You.

Two seemingly unfortunate things came together in a fortuitous convergence on opening night.  First, Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te'o was duped into falling in love with a fake girlfriend over the internet. Next, the Dallas Stars were unable to sell out their opening night game. The Stars game day staff was able to turn those negatives into a positive though, as they got a killer jab at an obviously troubled young man by using their flagging ticket sales as part of the punchline! 

The joke was well received, which is great for a  the marketing team and everyone involved with the Stars. I anticipate that they will try to milk this joke for all it's worth. I fully anticipate the following Jumbotron welcomes to show up in Dallas at some point this sesaon.

- Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and an honest lawyer

- Visiting fans of the Phoenix Coyotes

- Train fan club

- Abominable Snowman

- Residents of the city of Atlantis. All 18,532 of them.

I expect a season full of sick burns by the Dallas Stars this year. Nothing worse than getting slammed by a sport you don't play in a state that is 1000 miles from you, right Manti? 

The NHL season is back! My loyalty lies with the Minnesota Wild, so I wanted to be sure to get an interview with the home town team. Fortunately, I was able to get an interview with captain Mikko Koivu. The best part was that the team wished me well in the interview. Their exact words were "good luck!". 

BMR: There were some big changes to the Wild this offseason. What do you think was the most important?

MK:  My descent into the deepest depths of the netherworld and bargained with Satan himself and exchange for my soul, I have been given the power of a thousand demons. Parise and Suter were also nice additions.

BMR: Oh wow! Sounds like a busy offseason! Was it nice to hear the fans cheering for you against Colorado on Saturday night?

MK: The sounds of 18000 fans pale in comparison to the wailing of infinite souls wailing in agony for all eternity.

BMR: What will be the biggest key for the Wild this year?

MK: Possession

BMR: Of the puck? Or um.. right. So, this whole demon thing... Do the flames coming off of your entire body cause problems to the ice? 

MK: The cold abyss that once was my heart is more than enough to stifle the flames that erupt all around me.

BMR: What about the spiders that crawl from your mouth every time you open it?

[At this point, Devil Koivu offers an unbroken, pupil-less  stare, and I begin to feel my chest constrict, as though my very soul is being ripped from my body. I break the stare and move on!]

BMR: All right, moving on! What do you think you can offer this team?

MK: The allegiance of millions of hellions, evil demons and the eternal damnation of our enemies. Also, I'm a strong back checker.

BMR: I am beginning to see why people thought that this interview might go poorly. Jesus, you're frightening.

[Upon saying the name 'Jesus' Devil Koivu hisses and exposes a mouth full of fangs. A smaller Koivu head emerges from his mouth and hisses at me as well, then Devil Koivu retreats into the darkness]

Thanks for the interview, Minnesota Wild and Devil Mikko Koivu! Please don't haunt my nightmares!