I have to admit, I love games that feature teams that aren't the Penguins, Bruins, Flyers, Capitals or Red Wings. I am the type that enjoys a little variety in my TV viewing life. This is the only game of the three on Versus that doesn't feature one of those teams. Of course, I could have gone Islanders-Bruins as a tribute to Schultz, but as an Isles fan, I doubt he needs to invent an excuse to drink.
No, instead we are going to feature the Carolina Hurricanes and the New Jersey Devils. People of a certain age would recognize this as a contest between the Hartford Whalers and the Colorado Rockies. Thank goodness the spectre of an NHL franchise being moved is now long over. Isn't that right, Atlanta?
[We join Alexander Frolov and Anze Kopitar, meeting for the first time in a year, already debating]
Kopitar: I know he was a fan of both of ours, but I think it should be fairly obvious that Tom Selleck is a bigger fan of both of ours
Frolov: How can you say that? After I left the Kings, he started a show in New York. He followed me to New York!
Kopitar: Yeah, well, he didn't follow you to Russia did he?
[Frolov's lip quivers]
Kopitar: Tom Selleck doesn't care about you! Tom Selleck NEVER cared about you!
Frolov: You.... You..... You scruffy looking nerf herder! We are THROUGH as friends!
[Frolov storms out, probably never to be seen in America again]
This vignette inspired by Tom Selleck's Wikipedia page, notably this line:
Selleck is an avid ice hockey fan and has been seen attending Los Angeles Kings games at the Staples Center. He lists Anze Kopitar and Alexander Frolov as two of his favorite players.
Dear internet fuckwads,
Guess who’s back? Avery’s back. Tell a friend.
I guess you needed me after all, didn’t you, Torts? I know Tortorella hates it when I call him Torts, so I’mma keep doing it. You sent me down to the whale? IN HARTFORD? You guys know how I feel about whales. You know I have a strict “no fatties” rule.
But it’s good to be back with the Rangers again. I’m very thankful for this opportunity, because I love New York. I am very glad to get another chance with the organization, as opposed to getting stuck in some backwater place like the KHL or worse, Columbus.
I know Torts only called me back up because Mike Rupp’s knee is hurt. Word of advice to Rupper: use some kneepads when you’re blowing dudes in back of the Wendy’s. Glass and stones can hurt—that’s what Taffy and Kira tell me, anyway. I mean, you’re getting 1.5 million a year for 3 years. I don’t know what you had at the Devils, but that’s not a half bad paycheck. You’re no Brad Richards, but he’s a real doucheknocker.
I know I seem a bit more controlled and calmer than I used to be. That’s because I keep getting my ass served with suspensions and counseling and all that other bullshit. It’s not me being all nice nice, it’s me not wanting to have a target on my back all the time. That’s bullshit. From now on, I’ll only do that shit when there are no cameras or refs around. For example: you know Wayne Simmonds? Wayne Simmonds is a real…class act. See? I’m all reformed now. Even though in announcing, “class act” is just code for “black guy”, it sounds really nice. It makes me sound like a great guy even though I'm really thinking he's a total turburgler.
In closing, bite my ass, everyone. 
IT's Halloween, and if you're like me, you constantly forget that Halloween falls during the NHL season. It doesn't seem like it fits, does it? I think winter and spring wihen I think hockey, not autumn Of course, the Wild offense IS ghastly, so perhaps I should be reminded of that fact every time Mikko Koivu opts to pass instead of shooting at a wide open net.
But I digress. This year, we are treated to a game between the Sharks and the Rangers. Good costume ideas all around. Obviously, the shark is the master of the sea and would be fantastic for a prospective trick or treater. On the other hand, the "Ranger" could be a Power Ranger or a Walker Texas Ranger. Lots of chances for creativity out there.
Of course, I expect most people to throw on a hockey jersey, and say they are a hockey player. (If you were wondering, I am going to be Doug for Halloween. Doug Funnie)
DRINK
I don't know that the cities of Tampa or Buffalo have a lot in common, outside of the fact that when people from Buffalo hit the age of 60, they move to Tampa, and that most tend to forget either city has a hockey team (or football team, for that matter) It's nice that Versus has decided to bring these teams that are far removed from our collective consciousness to the light, so we can all acknowledge their existence.
This is a good game to drink to, I think, and I suggest you do so while reading up on each town. (Wikipedia articles are here and here.)
The Maple Leafs must have had a more flattering picture of Mikhail Grabovski to use, but instead used this.
[A lonely newcomer sits in his hotel room, shaken by how his life has suddenly and drastically changed]
David Booth: My whole life is turned upside down! I mean, Florida may not have had the strongest fan base, or the most success in their history, but I played there for 5 years. It was home. And South Beach! I'm going to miss South Beach. And now I am about as far from Miami as I could possibly get.
[knock on door]
Sedins: Hello new player, we are here to welcome you to the Canucks.
Booth: Oh boy! I'm so glad to see you! I was feeling pretty down on myself. Reinprecht Is down at the bar already and said he loves getting traded, because he gets a frequent mover discount with Atlas Van Lines, but he gets traded all the time. This is my first trade, though -- well, not if you include when my draft rights were traded, but it didn't mean I had to move, so I don't include that. You can though. Do whatever you want though, I don't want to step on any toes. Gosh, I'm so nervous and excited and scared and... and ... and
[sighs]
Sedins: You are talking very much new player. We were told we could come up to see new booth. It can seat both Sedins. We are very excited.
Booth: Oh, haha! You jokesters! I'm Booth. David Booth! Say, do you always talk at the same time like that?
[Sedins enter and start pulling at Booth's arms]
Booth: What are you doing?
Henrik: How do you work?
Daniel: Do you fold out or something?
Booth: I think you guys are taking this joke a bit too far.
Henrik: Quiet
Daniel: We don't like talking furniture
Geriatric Ryan Smyth is absolutely stunned by something out of the cameras view. Perhaps it's the collapsing oil derrick? Fans behind him seem to be mostly bemused by the proceedings, except for one kid, the one with the arrow sticking out from his chin. He could not be more bored. What could be wholly fascinating that would leave Ryan Smyth agape, but bore the daylights out of a young adolescent? Here are a few things.
- Cyndi Lauper
- Clear Pepsi
- a hockey team from Nashville
- The internet
- indoor plumbing
There was a minor malfunction before the Oilers-Predators games involving the pre-game theatrics. I can't add to any of the factual information with the story, but I can increase the tension... by adding ellipses. The words are Joanne Ireland's... the dramatic pauses are my own. (I encourage you to read this as.... Chris Hansen).
Oilers watched like ‘dummies’ as derrick dangled over bench
EDMONTON - The bang caught the attention of Edmonton Oilers winger Ryan Jones... Then he realized that there was a derrick... dangling over the player’s bench at Rexall Place.
“I didn’t see what happened, I just heard it bang off the boards,” he said... “I got the hell out of there.”
The oil derrick that has been a fixture at Rexall Place since 2000, malfunctioned before Monday’s game between the Oilers and the Nashville Predators.
There have been suggestions that a cable snapped... which sent the large structure swinging above the bench and the nearby seats. A safety inspection crew was at Rexall Place on Tuesday and an incident report will soon be in the hands of... Oilers president and CEO Patrick LaForge.
Until then, he wasn’t able to explain what had happened and what will be done. What he did say was the derrick will not be put back into service until... the Oilers and Northlands are certain all the recommended safety solutions have been implemented.
The team will issue a statement after the report has been filed.
“Little nervous,” said captain Shawn Horcoff. “We didn’t know what was going on. It didn’t look like something broke. It... almost looked like one of those situations where someone loses a rope when they’re pulling something up.
“But I looked at the fans underneath it, and... no one moved. I would have been out of there.”
Head coach Tom Renney said it was just one game earlier that associate coach Ralph Krueger had asked him... what would happen if the derrick ever came down.
“No one is aware of anything happening in the past,” said LaForge, “and it has been changed and updated a number of times since it was first installed in the building.
“The engineering people will be involved in this process.”
The derrick is lowered to the ice just before the players are introduced. After they skate through it, it is hoisted back to its resting place above the scoreboard.
“We actually stood there (at Rexall) like a bunch of dummies and watched it,” said Renney. “That’s a heavy piece of equipment.”
“That was just crazy,” said defenceman Ladislav Smid. “I was on the ice so I figured I was safe. Can you imagine what the guys on the bench were thinking? I guess these things sometimes happen. They shouldn’t... but they do.”
In 1996 the Jumbotron scoreboard at Marine Midland Arena, the home of the Buffalo Sabres, crashed to the ice. It happened during a routine pre-game check... No one was on the ice at the time.
This has been "News story made more harrowing with ellipses".
