You may never get an opportunity like this again! Look at who is in ninth place and out of the playoffs! Look! Looooook! Laugh at their misfortune!

AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHA The Red Wings suck! They're out of the playoffs (if they started today)! They --- 

Wait. They're still two spots ahead of the Wild. Dammit. 

It's amazing, when you think about it. A meteor, rocketing through space for millions -- billions -- of years finally came to its end by burning up in the atmosphere of planet earth, in plain view of someone's appropriately placed dash camera. Amazing!

What a rare happenstance!  They say something like this only happens once a decade, and only once every 70 years over land. And to have it happen on film for so many people. What are the odds of that? Astronomical!

Oh Ilya. You'll have to remember that one for later. 

Consider the moon. How long must that have spun in the Earth's night sky? If a meteor only strikes the Earth once every 10 years, you must believe that strikes on the lunar surface must be even more rare, given the smaller size of the sphere. But lo! Look at crater mottled surface, knowing the rarity of  meteor strikes on a surface and consider how long the moon must have existed in order to demonstrate such a craggy visage.

Say, speaking of the moon, why is this gentleman brandishing his buttocks in my direction?

Oh! Wait! Don't! D'oh! No!

Aww....

All right, Pavel Datsyuk, do your thing!

Who needs teammates? Well, I guess the Predators could use one or two more. Is Datsyukian a real word now?

First, they made light of an invisible girlfriend. Then, they made a trade for someone who may or may not exist. Now, it has become clear that they just don't understand that there is only one of a person. There isn't 0, and the number isn't 2 or more. I know you want 0 Ryan Henning and 5 Loser Domi, but as it happens, there is 1 Ryan Henning and 1 Loser Domi. This is a concept that eludes the Stars

 What am I talking about? After their foray in the nonexistent girlfriend and  the nonexistent Sneep, they have overcorrected. Now there are too many Jagrs.

There is one of people, Dallas. Not 0. Not 7. 1. (The Sedins are a notable exception.)

The NHL lockout finally ended last month, and surprisingly, fans have returned to the arenas, thirsting, lusting after hockey. Emotions are still raw, and there is a lot of animosity still out there. One fan in Detroit has found an unusual way to express his opinion. He will show up to the games, and still sport his Red Wings sweater, but he absolutely will not actually watch the game. Stay strong, pal.

As I mentioned some time ago, I was approached with an offer of a review copy of Barry Melrose's book, "Dropping the Gloves". With a website named "Barry Melrose Rocks" I'm sure Mr. Melrose's people were out looking for a favorable review. Completely honest here, but I went into the reading of this book with every intention of reading this book with a critical eye, and I did. 

For what it's worth, I liked the book.

I am a voracious reader. My favorite genre is usually international espionage (Daniel Silva is presently my favorite author), but I've always enjoyed John Grisham. His best works are typically written from the perspective of characters in the book. It provides an authenticity that adds another layer to the novels he writes. I was reminded of Grisham, oddly enough, when I read through Melrose's book.

Obviously, Grisham affects this voice, whereas it is authentic with Melrose. It's important to the book that we see Melrose as the farm kid from Kelvington and not the well coifed, slick ESPN analyst. If ever we are entered into the world of professional hockey, it would likely be along a similar path, either as a parent or, if you are really young and actually reading this website, as a player.

Another characteristic of Melrose's writing is a tone that reminds one of high school report writing. This isn't necessarily a knock. Melrose didn't choose writing as a profession, and the fact that he was coherent and the book got published is endlessly laudable. The "report" feel of the book sets an appropriate tone. This is a look at hockey's organization, through all levels and not a memoir. Melrose has points to make and he wants to ensure that you understand what he is trying to say. 

It's an easy read, and the book is fairly brief, but it is interesting. You get an impression of the various levels of hockey, but also a look at how one man handled those levels. He wasn't from a hockey family (though he is Wendel Clark's cousin) so he, like most of us, was an outsider.  The perspective of this book, the hockey fan who eventually made his way through pretty much every level of the game with every position available, is perfect for the audience. We all understand the game, but we don't necessarily understand the business end. Instead of dallying over details of individual games or rules and strategy, we are told about the perils of dealing with Junior hockey, the importance of locker room chemistry and how important the right situation is when becoming a head coach.

I really enjoyed Dropping the Gloves. (For the record, Melrose was a fighter during his time in the NHL, and espouses his view on fighting in the NHL, and makes some good points) I thought I would simply enjoy Melrose for his anecdotes, but I mostly enjoyed the way it was written, and the perspective on the game that was provided.

Before we begin, I just want to assert that Matt Cooke is one of my most hated players in the league. And now, if you'll excuse, me, I need to go to all caps for a second....

THIS IS THE EXACT MOMENT THAT MATT COOKE STEPPED ON THE BACK OF ERIK KARLSSON'S LEG AND SEVERED HIS GODDAMNED ACHILLES TENDON. CHRIST ON A BICYCLE.

Darcy
Gordie
Shaone
Shean
Teemu
Saku
Anze
Wendel
Darby
Colby
Colton
Sergei
Zigmund
Borje
Zdeno
Jari
Jaromir
Ulf
Lindy
Garth
Theoren

I assume people call the Leafs "Canada's team" anyway. 

Of course, the joke is on me. At least the Canes have 2 players scoring goals. The Wild have Zach Parise with 6 goals, and the rest of the team has 14. To put that another way, Tom Gilbert is tied for 3rd in goals with 2. To put it another way, Mike Rupp is tied for 10th. He hasn't played a game yet.

But hey, the Staals are working out for Carolina.

The Stars are playing tonight's NBCSN game against the Colorado Avalanche. We have been busting their chops pretty regularly since the season started. Mostly, the jokes have revolved around their usage of imaginary players and fans. Let's take a look at some real live facts about Texas' favorite hockey team (for Texans aware that there is a hockey team).

- The leading scorer is Ray Whitney. Jaromir Jagr is number 2 in points. Somehow, Mike Modano couldn't get any ice time with this team.

- Kari Lehtonen is the starting goaltender. I have a cousin named Kari. She's nice.

- The leader in +/- is Stephane Robidas, who is also 35. This team is super old. Well, at least the best players are super old.

- Stephane Robidas is only 5 years older than me. I'm practically washed up.

- The Stars have Ice Girls. 

-The Stars still use the motto "The Coolest Game on Earth" This was created back when the Stars were good, and Ray Whitney was young. Nostalgia, and whatnot.

I'm sure there are other things worth knowing, like "is Vernon Fiddler a fake name" and "is Brendan Morrow considered young or old on this team" but for tonight's game, this should be enough to get you through.