Two seemingly unfortunate things came together in a fortuitous convergence on opening night.  First, Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te'o was duped into falling in love with a fake girlfriend over the internet. Next, the Dallas Stars were unable to sell out their opening night game. The Stars game day staff was able to turn those negatives into a positive though, as they got a killer jab at an obviously troubled young man by using their flagging ticket sales as part of the punchline! 

The joke was well received, which is great for a  the marketing team and everyone involved with the Stars. I anticipate that they will try to milk this joke for all it's worth. I fully anticipate the following Jumbotron welcomes to show up in Dallas at some point this sesaon.

- Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and an honest lawyer

- Visiting fans of the Phoenix Coyotes

- Train fan club

- Abominable Snowman

- Residents of the city of Atlantis. All 18,532 of them.

I expect a season full of sick burns by the Dallas Stars this year. Nothing worse than getting slammed by a sport you don't play in a state that is 1000 miles from you, right Manti? 

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The NHL season is back! My loyalty lies with the Minnesota Wild, so I wanted to be sure to get an interview with the home town team. Fortunately, I was able to get an interview with captain Mikko Koivu. The best part was that the team wished me well in the interview. Their exact words were "good luck!". 

BMR: There were some big changes to the Wild this offseason. What do you think was the most important?

MK:  My descent into the deepest depths of the netherworld and bargained with Satan himself and exchange for my soul, I have been given the power of a thousand demons. Parise and Suter were also nice additions.

BMR: Oh wow! Sounds like a busy offseason! Was it nice to hear the fans cheering for you against Colorado on Saturday night?

MK: The sounds of 18000 fans pale in comparison to the wailing of infinite souls wailing in agony for all eternity.

BMR: What will be the biggest key for the Wild this year?

MK: Possession

BMR: Of the puck? Or um.. right. So, this whole demon thing... Do the flames coming off of your entire body cause problems to the ice? 

MK: The cold abyss that once was my heart is more than enough to stifle the flames that erupt all around me.

BMR: What about the spiders that crawl from your mouth every time you open it?

[At this point, Devil Koivu offers an unbroken, pupil-less  stare, and I begin to feel my chest constrict, as though my very soul is being ripped from my body. I break the stare and move on!]

BMR: All right, moving on! What do you think you can offer this team?

MK: The allegiance of millions of hellions, evil demons and the eternal damnation of our enemies. Also, I'm a strong back checker.

BMR: I am beginning to see why people thought that this interview might go poorly. Jesus, you're frightening.

[Upon saying the name 'Jesus' Devil Koivu hisses and exposes a mouth full of fangs. A smaller Koivu head emerges from his mouth and hisses at me as well, then Devil Koivu retreats into the darkness]

Thanks for the interview, Minnesota Wild and Devil Mikko Koivu! Please don't haunt my nightmares!

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Finally.

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Pre season predictions, in general, are complete garbage. They help out with some preseason story lines and deciding what teams are disappointing and which are surprises. I mean, they are fun, certainly, and we have been known to produce a few of them around here, but the only way to determine the best teams in the league is to go out and play the games. Still, there is enough information there, usually, to be able to know what to look for as the season unfolds.

Yeah, not so much this year. Things that would be minor blips during a regular 82 game, stretched out schedule are going to be complete catastrophes in a cramped 48 game schedule. Consider, a key player gets injured and is expected to miss 2 weeks. That would be about 5 games, we'll call it. That would be about 6% of the schedule. Not really a major dent. 

Now, take a look at that same player getting nicked up and missing 2 weeks this season. Teams are playing about 8 games every 2 weeks, and are playing only 48 games. Missing two weeks would mean missing almost 17% of the season. Using those metrics, an injury is nearly 3 times more influential on the overall season this year as it is during a normal season.

Not only that, but teams have only had a week to get to know each other and the systems, not to mention the additional fatigue of playing a more cramped schedule. What I'm saying is, with the way this season sets up, we can make assumptions about talent levels based on a normal season, but there is so much luck involved that those assumptions are going to be blown out of the water. 

Anything could happen this year, because luck is going to be an even bigger factor than usual. 

What the hell, one prediction. Blue Jackets in the playoffs!

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Brent Burns has finally reported to Sharks camp after spending the lockout at Burning Man. He also restructured his contract with the Sharks to include a no trade clause, because he "totes loves it in the Bay Area, man". The clause isn't complete, allowing for trades to Vancouver, Colorado or "the moon, because that would be frickin' rad"

*h/t to Puck Daddy

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Board Member 1: Unbelievable! It's the middle of January, and we still have 0 points!

Board Member 2: Terrible! We have just as many points as Columbus!

Board Member 3: Even worse, look at the standings! 

In unison: Last place!

Board Member 1: And what have we done about it?

Board Member 2: Check the transaction page!

In unison: gasp. Nothing! 

Board Member 3: We need to prove to our fan base that we won't put up with this anymore?

Board Member 1: You're right! The Maple Leafs should be at the top! 

Board Member 2: We should fire the coach!

Board Member 3: It's not his fault that he has lousy players who haven't even scored a goal all season!

Board Member 1: You're right! Down with Burke!

Board Member 2: Fire Burke!

Board Member 3: It is decided! Fire Burke!

Board Member 1: Now that that's decided.... can someone help me tie my shoes?

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Weasely prick Comissioner Gary Bettman issued an apology today for the NHL Lockout. The text from Puck Daddy:

We know that no words of apology or explanation will soften the disappointment. I read the letters. I followed the tweets. I read the blogs. We have a lot of work to do. The National Hockey League has a responsibility to win back your trust and support, whether you watch one game or every game.

 

Oh, good, Bettman is up on Social Media! Do you think my Twitter feed is among those he was up on? Do you think that this is one of the blogs that he followed? Could he tell that the overwhelming sentiment wasn't frustration or anger, but rather defeatism? Is he aware that this second lockout hasn't pissed me off (I don't want to include everyone in this) so much as it has led me to give up on the league?

You won't win my trust or support back this season. Or next season. Or probably the season after that. Not until another CBA is agreed upon. Not until we know you aren't going to do this again. Oh, I will still watch games, and write at this blog, because I still love hockey, and I want to watch the best players in the world. Just know, though, some of the money that would have been invested in your product is now being designated for other things.

It's not much, I know, but I write for a hockey blog, so I'm not your typical enthusiast. I hope the less passionate are more disenfranchised so you can learn a lesson. The lesson, by the way, is to assure us that your league has a long term future without any more lock outs.

In case you hadn't heard, the NHL season is back on! The season is going to start on the 19th and last for an all too brief 48 games. I am on record as saying that I don't really care for a shortened season. Well, I care, but not as much as I would for a full season. When we are done after 48 games, we will still have that unpleasant reminder that we were totally screwed over as fans. 

Oh, and there is the point that the proposed schedule is completely bogus. It sort of sucks (really sucks, actually) that my season's viewing of the NHL season will not once include the Maple Leafs, Islanders or Lightning, the three teams associated with the other writers here. Of course, there's these assholes who seem to be OK with the shorter schedule. 

I admit, I had sort of moved on from hockey during the lockout, but the Albanian Superliga is on its winter break, so the timing of the lockout's cessation came at exactly the right time. Well, I mean, it would have been better if it never happened, but you know. Actually, it's been so long that I forgot exactly what happened in the off-season before the lockout started. This helps. 

OH, shoot, dapper francophone Guillaume Latendresse has left? And he went to Ottawa? That means I'm not going to see him again until next season!

But at least there WILL be a next season.

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We were recently sent along a video, which is good news. Even with the lockout, our e-mail works! The NOC recently put together a video that lampoons every fan of every team in the NHL. Lampoons, I say! 

 

How does that BURN, NHL fans? I especially liked the Panthers, Islanders, and Jets. I have to thank Tom Reed, who sent this along, because I think I had forgotten what at least a third of the league's logos look like.

Thank you for sticking with us all year (even when I can't figure out how to publish things and end up with three posts showing up at once). There hasn't been much hockey, but there have been the laffs. Loser Domi and I will be back again in 2013 for more good times. Tonight, though, it's time for the BMR New Years party, which will probably look something like this:

[UPDATE] Someone cleverly switched videos on us....

 

Happy New Year, everyone.

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