Hoo boy, Stammers! Playing the Capitals should be one fun night. It's a close rival--well, kinda. I mean, it's in the same time zone, I guess. The fans are still behind us from last year's run, and we get to move into a new barn with frickin' TESLA COILS! And an ORGAN! That's awesome. This season is going to be great!
(Teddy Purcell scores)
AWESOME I--did not score or get an assist? Uh, sure, whatever.
(near the end of period three)
Holy crabcakes, this game is a total shitshow. Did both defence squads head out for a drink or what? Well, there's not that much time left, so I think we can still eek out of this one--
(Jason Chimera scores for Washington, tying the game)
Well, crap. Maybe we can score in the next 2 minutes. I've seen it before. I gotta get some slump busting going if this game keeps going the way it is.
(the game goes into overtime)
Well, crap. Hold on slump buster ladies, Stammer's got this one sew up
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If this were 1994, we'd have our own magazine. At least that's what I'm told people did back then. Read... Actual, um, paper or something. And yes, since the Rangers won the Cup in '94 there would be so much Messier vitriol in it, I would be completely insufferable and you would never buy it. BUT ANYWAY, we would totally put out monthly magazines and sell them on street corners for 10 bucks a pop and not think twice that might be weird or anything. Because standing creepily on streetcorners during the day wasn't at all what we were doing back then. No, no. Heh... Uhhhh... Luckily now there's the internet and it's totally not weird for us to just talk to you but now we do it for free. So that's a win for you and a loss for us. That's some garbage, 21ST CENTURY, YOU ASS.
So here's my analysis of the important issues of the day crammed into a magazine cover which we'll never publish because not only will we never find a publisher for that half-finished book about lost youth on the external hard drive but if you think they'd ever give us even a measly little magazine deal you're crazy.
Kudos to the legendary EDSBS Weekly, with the original idea.
With the hockey season underway last night, and my pick for the Penguins to win the Stanley Cup, what better time than now to post this entirely legitimate interview that I had that actually happened with a Penguins fan! Hop the jump to see the exchange I had with a Totally Real Penguins Fan!
It's that time again! Time for drinkin'! As is my typical wont, it's going to be a drinking game double header, with a delightful menagerie of rules to encourage ice borne alcoholism. Or as our neighbors to the north call it "Canada". Hockey starts tomorrow, everyone!
Philadelphia at Boston
DRINK
... for every pink article of clothing you see. This is, of course, an old standby.
... for every Bruin shown who wasn't on last season's cup roster. Sorry Joe Corvo!
... every time Wayne Simmonds is on the ice. And keep your damn mouth shut.
... through every promo for the next game
Pittsburgh at Vancouver
DRINK
... if you catch the Sedins performing their assimilation ritual on Marco Sturm. It involves hair tousling, an unfortunate placement of the stick and a lot of tears.
... if discussion about Sidney Crosby begins to sound like a eulogy
... Molson, because this is the last regular season game a Canadian team gets any air time in the States. So THATS why the Coyotes are still in Phoenix.
... if someone comes up with a really good Alexandre Burrows joke. Seriously, I've still got nothin!
The Drinking Player of the night: Jaromir Jagr
So here's how it goes. You drink every time this player gets mentioned or touches the puck or whatever. I don't care. Just drink. Now, the best part is when we find out some fun facts about the player, who, as you have seen, is Jaromir Jagr, via his Talk-Sport.net girlfriend page. Gosh I missed his mullet.
- Jaromir and Irina are DONE! He was cheating on her with a model! Irina wasn't very pretty anyways.
- Jaromir doesn't really want to get married, just "co-habit"
- Not a fun fact about Jaromir Jagr, but "a good woman is as precious as rubies".
- All of Jagr's exes were Czech models or Ms. Czech Republics. More mileage than a New York City cab! (Apparently beautiful Czech women are sluts. Excuse me for a moment, I need to check something out in Prague)
aside from the fact that if I don't laugh at it, it's because I'm dead. Also, Johnathan Cheechoo
and the even more better version, in which we learn Ottawa is the capital...of CANADA. Not the capital of ASSHOLETOWN. That's San Jose
The NHL Season is DAYS away. This is going to be my first season as the Editor of BMR, so this is the first season preview as well. In years past, Kevin asked Loser Domi and myself to compile a divisional preview with some sort of prediction involved. Not me. I'm no monster. Kevin and Domi can do whatever the hell they want. I'm going to just go ahead and do a post with no research, and one-liners that will likely devolve into mean spirited commentary on the places these teams come from. I can't wait to hear your angry responses!
Northeast Division
- Montreal Canadiens - I think everyone can get behind hating the Canadiens. They are from another country and speak a different language. This is AMERICA, dammit, and it's going to piss us off when they win the Northeast
- Buffalo Sabres - I can't tell you how much I like Thomas Vanek. No really. Restraining order.
- Boston Bruins - The Bruins are just going to be worn out from all that partying and being assholes!
- Ottawa Senators - The Senators are pretty bad at their chosen profession. If they have one thing going for them, however, it's that they aren't the Maple Leafs.
- Toronto Maple Leafs - I would love to say something nice about the Leafs. I think their blue sweaters looks sharp!
Atlantic Division
- Pittsburgh Penguins - I just can't STAND the city of Pittsburgh, or the teams in Pittsburgh or any of the players that play in Pittsburgh. I'm looking at you, Dustin Jeffrey
- New York Rangers - They could easily win this division, if they can somehow turn smug into goals.
- New York Islanders - The Islanders could shoot so far north in the standings they end up in Quebec
- Philadelphia Flyers - The Flyers employed an interesting strategy of trading two of their best players this offseason. Let's see how it all plays out!
- New Jersey Devils - Marty Brodeur is still playing? Has anyone seen Ken Daneyko lately?
Southeast Division
- Washington Capitals - Is this the year that Alexander Ovechkin breaks through and gets his team to the promised land? Maybe, but only if that promised land is Chuck E. Cheese.
- Tampa Bay Lightning - I continue to refuse to believe that Tampa is a real place.
- Winnipeg Jets - Try as I might, I can't fluidly work a Teppo Numminen reference in. I can't think of if a city more opposite from Atlanta than Winnipeg.
- Carolina Hurricanes - I think the Southeast is actually going to be a pretty decent division, and the Hurricanes and Jets will press for playoff spots. Oh, sorry, um... HAHA NORTH CAROLINA IS FOR REDNECKS!
- Florida Panthers - The Panthers probably made more roster changes this offseason than anyone. They have Marcel Goc, you guys!
Central Division
- Detroit Red Wings - You are a fool if you expect otherwise.
- Chicago Blackhawks - With a full offseason and without those pesky days with the Stanley Cup, I expect the Blackhawks to return to, um, better than last year.
- Columbus Blue Jackets - I like the addition of Jeff Carter to this squad. Also, nothing beats a BJ. (Same joke, different year)
- Nashville Predators - I know the Preds were 2nd in this division last year, and they didn't exactly overhaul the roster, but I mean, come on! It's the Nashville Predators!
- St. Louis Blues - Huh. These guys are still here.
Pacific Division
- Anaheim Ducks - The Ducks are in the upswing of their typical really good to really bad cycle. Also, they have Disney Land!
- Los Angeles Kings - LOS ANGELES IS TURNING INTO A HOCKEY TOWN! Well, you know, right after suntanning.
- San Jose Sharks - It's not good when you are the third best team in California, but this is what happens when you become the Minnesota Wild.
- Dallas Stars - I thought for a really, really long time, but I can't think of a joke about the Dallas Stars.
- Phoenix Coyotes - The 'Yotes are back where they belong, last place! Of course, they ACTUALLY belong in Winnipeg, but that ain't happening.
Northwest Division
- Minnesota Wild - No, this is not homerism. I swear! The Wild are now the Sharks, and they will get the mst regular season points before crapping the bed in the playoffs. Science!
- Vancouver Canucks - The Sedins are right behind Minnesota. THEY'RE RIGHT BEHIND US. I feel cold!
- Colorado Avalanche - Stastny. That is all. He will ruin your life.
- Calgary Flames - Jarome Iginla is still there right? Anything else? No?
- Edmonton Oilers - I expect at least one or two players to go to the IR with frozen testicles at some point this season
I also think the Penguins win the Cup this year, because wouldn't that be AWESOME AND AMAZING?! Your thoughts below!
The BMR Fantasy draft was last night. It began and was over with in 45 minutes, marking the only time that anyone willl have direct contact with me in a real time atmosphere. Please, in the future, go through my assistant (Schultz). I don't want to analyze too many other teams, because I am sure you will all kick my ass (except the guy who ended up with almost all Islanders... I like my chances there). I thought I would share a few key mistakes I felt when making my picks last night.
- Going into the draft sober. I was at work, but it's not like I haven't been drunk at work before.
- Not establishing which of the Niklas/Nicklas Backstroms I ended up with. I think it was Nicklas, otherwise I made my pick way too soon.
- Naming my team after Dany Heatley, not drafting Dany Heatley.
- Failing to check Dustin Byfuglien's incarceration status. I lucked out there... not in prison!
- Sharing a cab with Patrick Kane after the draft
- Challenging Scott Hartnell to a beard growing contest. Not challenging Hartnell himself, but challenging friends to growing a Scott Hartnell beard.
- David Kreijci
- Not drafting enough players I can make jokes about. Seriously, YOU come up with a one liner about Alexandre Burrows.
Before I begin, I want to say that yes, it is not good to use speech that is derogatory towards any group of people, just for the way they are, and it is especially harmful to use said terminology as a general insult That said, this sort of thing, I am certain, has happened in the vast majority of professional sporting events, from basketball to football, to last night's incident between Wayne Simmonds and Sean Avery. What I want to know is why this incident was reported to the press.
For those afraide of hyperlinks (ever since Schultz's nude juggling home video incident), the situation is this: Avery punched Simmonds in the junk, and they yapped back and forth for the rest of the game, and Simmonds, according to Avery (take that with whatever grain of salt you wish), used a homophobic slur. It's not right, if it happened, as I said, but I can't fathom what makes this highly objectionable incident different from other highly objectionable incidents? It's Sean Avery, right?
For those who don't believe my assertion that professional athletes are dicks, I say we just go to the tape (NSFW)
Two things to note: If you look at the main scoreboard, the World Wide Leader seems resent the fact that the team moved away from Atlanta. If you look at the game summary, you'll note that, perhaps out of spite, ESPN didn't bother to learn the roster of the Jets.
(h/t Jon)
YEAAAAHHHH SCORE SCORE SCORE!!!!!!!!
Mom: Timmy is SO excited for hockey season!
HIT 'EM HIT 'EM HIT 'EM!!!! DEEEEEEEESTROOOOOOOOOY HIIIIIIM!!!!!!!!!!
Mom: Oh Timmy, you're lucky I am letting you stay up past your bed time! But this is just practice!
RIP THEIR DICKS OFF AND SHOVE 'EM IN THEIR EARS!!!!!!!
Mom: Timmy, that's not a very nice word
MAKE SURE YOU SHOVE IT IN THEIR EAR, SO THEY CAN STILL WATCH YOU MAKE LOVE TO THEIR WIVES AND GIRLFRIENDS, BECAUSE THEY CAN'T BECAUSE THEY HAVE PENIS EAR!!!!!!
Mom: Timmy! I think we have been letting you watch too much TV!
RUN OVER THEM WITH THE ZAMBONI, SO ALL THE PENIS-EARS ARE STUCK IN THE ICE, AND THEN MAKE LOVE TO THEIR WIVES AND GIRLFRIENDS ON TOP OF THEM, WHILE THEY ARE STILL STUCK IN THE ICE AND CAN'T DO A THING ABOUT IT!!!!!
Mom: All right, Timmy, it's 8 o'clock. Time for bed! Put your shirt on.
