A table has been set up in the basement of Schultz's parent's house. An Islanders jersey is draped over it. Sitting at the table to the left of an empty chair are Barry Melrose, JR and Paul Stastny. Mark Messier is on the right. For some inexplicable reason, Peter Pocklington is here and hovering in the back. From a couch in the back, Pierre McGuire and Mike Milbury are preparing to do play-by-play. The interwebs best NHL bloggers are in the audience, waiting for the press conference to start.

 Peter Pocklington: Is it with mixed emotions and utter confusion as to the reason that I am here today. To be frank, Schultz paid me fifty bucks to be here and I really need the money. I think there's some kind of allegory to all this, but I don't care. This basement is filled with basement dwellers who don't shower. I've been told to introduce Kevin Schultz, and here he is now.

*Schultz walks in and hands PP a Ulysses Grant**

Schultz: Thank you all for coming today. I think you all know why we are here. It's an intervention for Matt Barnaby's Twitter account. Matt, you need to stop tweeting like a 12-year old Justin Bieber fan. From now on, one exclamation point per tweet max. No more smiley faces dammit and for once in your life, learn what the hell sarcasm is.

Now, let's get on with the show.

I would first like to thank everyone for being here. On my left, thank you Paul Stastny for...

PAUL STASTNY: SHUT UP INSOLENT HUMAN. MY PRESENCE IS ONLY COINCIDENTAL.

Schultz: ...I was going to say not being a prick about the whole thing, but oh well. JR is here as well. Thank you, JR, for all the material you've ever given me. Thank you for crying after the Hawks did what you couldn't. And most of all, thank you for that picture where you're flipping the bird. I'm never going to stop laughing at it.

JR: You know it bro!

Schultz: And also, I'm humbled to have him here, Mr. Barry Melrose. If it wasn't for you, I would have never purchased a lifetime supply of hair gel or had a really random name for my blog. On my left is Mark Messier, who will be crying for me today. I'm not good with emotions, so I've outsourced them. Thank you Mark, and fuck the Rangers.

Mark Messier sobs uncontrollably

Finally, last but certainly not least, I would like to thank Enforcer and Loser Domi for being here today. Thank you for your drinking games, your chat rooms, your fake interviews and all of your hard blogging work. You have carried the blog wonderfully and I sincerely thank you for that. I also thank you for cheering for awful hockey teams because, as an Islander fan, misery loves company.

Today, it with heavy heart that I formally announce my retirement from Barry Melrose Rocks. As you have seen over the last few months, I have had multiple stints on the IR due to Blog Abandonitis and chronic Life Getting in the Way of Shit. There are a lot of contributing factors but, as with most things in life, it is simply time to move on. I started this blog almost five years ago to the day, which in Internet time is like 50 years, and in those five decades it has been by far the most enjoyable creative outlet in my life. I have made many friends in the blogging community both inside and outside of BMR and the NHL blog community is by far one of the best places to hangout on the interwebs. Or at least a notch above the To Catch a Predator chat rooms. It's taken me to the All-Star Game and an interview with John Buccigross. And heck, we can always say that we bagged Carrie Milbank -- but not in that way (woo Dave!).

When I started this blog, I was in the middle of college and, holy crap, I miss all the free time. When I graduated, I had an internship that allowed me to blog all day to the point where I was writing on three blogs. Unfortunately, someone actually thought it would be a bright idea to give me a serious job where I... had to... work. I was able to balance things for a while, but life kinda sucks when you're working 40-50 hours every week, every year. To that point, I haven't been able to keep up with the NHL as much or my blogging endeavours. After FanHouse shit the bed, I thought I would have more time, but it coincidenced with the busy season as Real Job, inc and gave me the kick in the pants I needed to try and take the next step, whatever the heck that is. I'd been treading water over there for a while, not upset enough to quit but lost focus of how to move on and keep challenging with the aforementioned creative juices. And when you're just mindlessly churning out posts just to do it, well, you're no better than that hack in the paper you make jokes about all the time.

All in all, this has been a hell of a lot of fun, I've met some awesome people and done some cool things. Heck, I made my english teacher of a father proud so he can say he raised a paid writer, so that's something. I'll still be around when I have a character that needs to type in ALL CAPS or has to rant about something. If you'd like to shoot the breeze, I'll still be @schultz88 on Twitter or melroserocks on Gmail. And yes, the Twitter is like 95% hockey talk.

Now the blog is in much better hands, Enforcer's. So without any further tears from Mark Messier -- seriously dude, I'm not paying you by the gallon --  I'd like to officially turn over the keys to the blog and the '68 Vette to Ryan. 

Enforcer:: Thank you, Kevin, for your dedication to this blog, for allowing me to join the team and now to take over the site. You've been an inspiration for me to actually start watching hockey so I can get some of your jokes. CanadiEns is a hockey team! Here I thought you didn't have spellcheck! (Note, Barry Melrose Rocks does not endorse the use of spell check)

There will be some modest changes around the site, of course, but that's just because Kevin and I are different people. Namely, he is from New York and I am from Minnesota. Expect more Western Conference jokes, (i.e. the Sedins) and fewer Messier references. Seriously, Mark? Kevin left to pick up some new pants at Kohl's like 15 minutes ago. Stop crying.

I'm going to have to let Loser Domi go...on as a vakued and popular contributor. If there is anyone that will continue to make jokes about Sidney Crosby, it will have to be her. There is nothing funny about the Pittsburgh Penguins, in my eyes.

I can promise only a slight downturn in the quality of the posts on this site. I tend to write shorter than Kevin does (or did... tear) and use a lot of parenthesees. This helps in two ways. It cuts down on the chance for me to screw something up, and the parenthesees help me explain jokes that would otherwise fall flat. If you are laughing at how desperate parenthetical explanations may seem, at least you are still laughing.

I can promise little to no editorial oversight, just like alawys. I can promise I will try to be funny and maybe a little informative at times. I will promise more pictures of Loser Domi modeling shirts (I can't actually promise that) but I can't promise I will get to drive that '68 Vette. Schultz left it in the East River.

Thank you for your time and attendence at this press conference. We will not be taking questions at this moment. Have a wonderful day.

Wyshynski, Puck Daddy, has undertaken a campaign to get new Detroit Red Wing Mike Commodore to ask for the #64 sweater in the coming season. Apparently, this has some sort of significance for people who were nerds long before I was even around. Not to say I'm not nerdy. I write on the internet.

Of course, having Commodore 64 in the league will serve the purpose of satiating certain people's nostalgia, at least a little bit. For me, though, it has no meaning to me. When I was a kid, I watched a lot of television. Mostly cartoons. Doug rocked my world. This is why I'm proposing a bit of hockey related nostalgia of my own.

Former journeyman Lyle Odelein adds a Nicholas to the front of his name. He can still be Lyle to his friends, but for the purpose of my own whimsy, he will for ever be Nick L. Odelein. Is this something we can get behind?

Hey AMERICA, it’s your old pal JR.  Just thought I’d send in a little greeting for all you Eurotrash wannabe commie bums out there.  Yeah, the economy’s in the toilet. And sure, there are multiple wars going on that don’t seem to have an end. But today is not the day for sob stories and whining. Today is all about what makes AMERICA kick-ASS. Like how some news guy can call the president a dick, and he doesn’t get set on fire or anything.  Sure, he's probably lost his job and stuff, and it was a big blown-up deal, but whatever.  You can disagree with him, but he can say his opinion—like how I can get on here and say how much Mike Milbury sucks and that’s a-ok (because seriously, screw that guy.)   And how we have (mostly) drinkable water for everyone!

You know, I think I’m gonna settle in with some beer, Bud Light girls, watch some fireworks, and flip off any British people I see.

Happy 4^th of JULY, EVERYBODY!

Dany Heatley is very confused as well.

- Hoping to add a more veteran presence, the Wild add Joe Thornton for a package involving Mikko Koivu.

- The Wild swap Pierre Marc Bouchard for Sharks' Patrick Marleau "for the hell of it" according to both General Managers.

- Needing to bolster their blue line, and the Sharks suddenly in need of a proven goal scorer, the Wild and Sharks make another trade, with the Sharks acquiring Devin Setoguchi and the Wild getting Brent Burns.

- Realizing the humor in claiming their may be marine predators in the Twin Cities' many lakes, and the Bay Areas's appreciation for the avant-garde, the teams decide to swap nicknames, giving rise to the San Jose Wild and Minnesota Sharks.

- Economically thriving but dreadfully boring Campbell, California is sent to Minnesota where it will fit in better, in exchange for Minnetonka, Minnesota, which has entirely too much damn personality.

- Vincent Damphousse sent to Minnesota in exchange for Mike Modano

So, anyways... Go Wild! Or Sharks! Or whoever the hell I am cheering for now.

If you're like me, you spent all day Friday refreshing the UFA tracker at TSN. I'm sure most of you were pretty excited by what transpired. Well, except for someone like me, a Minnesota Wild fan. Check this out:

Nice. ONe player signed. And it was the back up goalie from last year's squad who was diagnosed with hip implosion. Hoping to make myself feel better, I looked through the entire NHL to see if there was another team that had been as inactive as my Wild had been. There had been!

Toronto resigned Jay Rosehill! The only difference between him and Josh Harding is that I have no idea who the funk Jay Rosehill is! But I feel much better that the Wild are treating free agency the same way as the Maple Leafs. Because Toronto is a well run organization.

Never fear, though, because it's not all garbage here at BMR. Kevin's Islanders signed Marty Reasoner! So.... watch out!

Eric Belanger: I'm really looking forward to the season to start! I can't believe we are opening the season against Montreal! Growing up in Quebec, that's a real treat, playing my home town team to start the year!

Shane Doan: I'm really excited about our first road trip to Chicago. What a beautiful town, the Windy City! My favorite city in the States!

EB: That's a good point! Oh, boy, I just can't wait until the beginning of the season!

SD: Hey, is it just me, or are we playing the Lightning a lot next year? I mean, no complaints, but it's a little strange.

EB: You know what else is weird? That in our third game we are playing "at Phoenix".

Vernon Fiddler: Hey guys, what's up?

SD: Oh, just checking out the schedule for next year.

VF: But that's the Winnipeg schedule...

EB: Aaaand?

VF: You play for Phoenix... The Phoenix Coyotes.... Just like last year.

SD: Wait, so we DIDN'T get moved back to Winnipeg?

VF: No

EB: And we're still playing in Phoenix?

VF: Right

SD: Well that's retarded.

Of course, the big news from the NHL Draft was that the Winnipeg Jets are officially the Winnipeg Jets once again I would make further comment on this wondrous occasion were my town not overrun with dirty Manitobans for the weekend. They are eating us out of the state supply of Twinkies. It's abhorrent.

I'm not going to let the return of the Jets ruin my glee that the Wild actually made the biggest trade of the night The Wild actually moved the one tradable asset the team had (Brent Burns)! And they moved it to improve a weakness (people that can score goals!). They even went out and probably got a lot more than what Burns was worth, too, which is very nice.

I know a lot of readers will be able to make this distinction, but for those that are unable to, I will make it for them:

New Wild player: Setoguchi

Not a new Wild Player: Former MLB outfielder So Taguchi

Now that that's taken care of... Let's get to the season. Please.

Niklas Lidstrom (pictured above) is returning for his 46th season!

MaiHartWillDion: Man, I’m glad some of us could get together outside of hockey stuff.

SchennSational:  I know, right? A Boston-Vancouver final made me want to puke. Good thing it’s over.

KesselRun81Parsecs: Yeah, fack Bawston. Buncha dooshbags.

MaiHartWillDion: And the Canucks? Buncha whiners, divers, and creepy weirdos.

KesselRun81Parsecs:  Ryan Kesler is one creepy sumbitch.  I played with him in the Olympics, yanno. We won silver!

BozakAttack:  No thanks to you, captain invisible.

KesselRun81Parsecs: At least I didn’t get my ass handed to me in Call of Duty last night, ya jagoff!

MaiHartWillDion: I’m glad you made it, Bozie.  I’m surprised we could drag you away from the Xbox for a day.

BozakAttack:  It’s not my fault that LA Noire is so  freaking AWESOME. It makes me want to be a detective and drink scotch all day.

SchennSational:  I’m just looking forward to doing the heckling instead of being heckled for once.

RANDOM DRUNK DUDE:  YOU’RE A USELESS PYLON, SCHENN!

*** SchennSational has erased RANDOM DRUNK DUDE!***

SchennSational:  Hey Jose Bautista—why do you even bother to wear a cup? Your balls are so tiny, nobody’s gonna hit them!
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The degenerate in each of us loves something to wager on. Bodog has already put out the lines on teams winning the Stanley Cup next season The best odds belong to the VAncouver Canucks at 11/2, with the longest going to the team geographically as far away as possible. The Florida Panthers are 125/1. To put this in terms non gamblers might understand... you would likely be better off putting money on the Atlanta Thrashers (Though Winnipeg is 90/1). 

That said, here are 25 lines you will only find at Barry Melrose Rocks:

NHL Edition

Jagr comes back to the NHL - 60/1

The Nordiques come back to the NHL - Off

The Sedins will outscore Crosby/Malkin - 5/3

The Ferences will outscore the Sedins - 10000/1

Games missed in Winnipeg because opponents flew to Edmonton, assuming that "Winnipeg" was just another pronunciation of Edmonton +/- 3

BMR Writers' teams editions

Which team will finish with the best record? Wild 9/2, Islanders 5/1, Maple Leafs 600/1

How often will Wild coach Mike Yeo have his name pronounced with a fauxx Italian accent by Ryan before it gets annoying (yooooooo) +/- 5

Will Trevor Gillies do something so atrocious on the ice that it will result in jail time? Yes: 500/1

The Raptors have better attendence than the Leafs: 1000/1

One of the three teams in question will make the postseason, second round, conference finals, Stanley Cup Finals 5/1, 15/1, 30/1, 60/1

Ryan "Enforcer" Henning edition

Henning will find another joke that he will drive into the ground, a la the Sedins: 5/1

Drinking Games involving the Calgary Flames: +/- 0

There will be a glaring typo in every post: 2/7

Someone buys him a drink because "he's that guy from Barry Melrose Rocks" - off

Writers block leads to midget hockey players videos 2/1

Loser Domi edition

 Drunken posts - +/- 10

Drunken posts lead to accidentally posting a revealing photograph of herself - 5000/1 (although I would stop by and click on our sponsors' adds every day just in case!)

Actual sponsorship from Jameson - 200/1

Pulitzer Prize - 300/1. On a drunken post 100/1

Jonas Brothers references that Ryan doesn't get - All of them.

Schultz edition

Posts: +/- 3

Jeremy Roenick related posts +/- 3

Cease and desist order from Mr. Roenick - 400/1

Cease and desist order from Mr. Barry Melrose - 800/1

Restraining order from John Tavares - 25/1

Of course, none of these futures are available in casinos, and gambling is bad anyways. Or something.