In a press conference yesterday, the Phoenix Coyotes announced that they had resigned right wing Lee Stempniak for an additional two years. Both parties seemed very pleased with the agreement.
Stempniak was quoted as saying “I’m really excited to be part of this team’s plan for the future. I know there are some people in Toronto who might miss me, even if I went invisible every now and then. I guess all I have to say is ‘if you liked it, then you shoulda put a ring on it.’”
“Oh-oh-oh, whoa-oh oh”, added the 27 year old.
The press conference was interrupted by a confused Kanye west, who shouted “I’mma let you finish, Dutchie, but Wile E was the best coyote OF ALL TIME! What the hell’s a hockey?” West then left to work on his new album, in which he compares himself to a ninja version of Jesus and complains that hoes are trying to take his money when he’s in need.
When asked to respond to Stempniak’s statements, Brian Burke, general manager of the Toronto Maple Leafs commented “Whatever. I can find another Stemps in a minute. Now stop calling, I don’t wanna think anymore. It’s like I’m living in Grand Central Station.”
Joel Quenneville broke all sorts of uniform rules: He has a Q instead of a number, he is wearing a Blackhawks patch instead of a White Sox patch, he doesn't have his name on the jersey, he is wearing a collared shirt under the jersey, his collared shirt is not matching team colors, he is wearing black slacks instead of baseball pants, his jersey isn't tucked in, and he is wearing the home whites instead of the alternate blacks, like his teammates on that day. This would all have been forgiven if he could throw faster than 40mph, of course.
A little more than a month before the hockey season begins, and fleet, high powered forward Paul Kariya has decided to sit out the 2010-2011 season, apparently because of concussions. I don't remember anything about Paul Kariya getting concussed.
That's Rene Fasel, president of the International Ice Hockey Federation. He looks a little like Matt Millen with a brain injury.They can't all be JR, I guess.
The Coyotes are hiring for the "Paw Patrol" which is an "enthusiastic, high energy team that entertains the crowd" at Coyotes games. They should not be confused with the actual Coyotes. If you would like to join the Paw Patrol, you had better have availability on evenings and weekends, and be pretty damned personable. The audition page has a brief application and a place to upload your resume, so this is a pretty big deal. Usually, Dave McBrayer would totally audition for something like this, but since he is currently doing 15-20 years for an attempted carjacking in Utah, I thought I might help you out with some good things to put on your resume.
- Previous work experience: Nursing home clown; Scottsdale K-9 Unit (also an Arizona paw patrol); Columbus Blue Jackets "Buzz Bunch"
- Skills/Abilities: The ability to perform in front of literally dozens of people, most of whom are just looking for air conditioning; A clean criminal record, so you can acquire a conceal and carry permit for a t-shirt cannon; jazz hands.
- Hobbies and interests: Hockey; Glee on Fox!; Annoying the piss out of people
Also the person with the Coyotes in charge of hiring, or enlisting, I suppose, the commandos that are part of the Paw Patrol is someone named Melanie Paramore. I bet if you say that you wouldn't typically apply for enthusiastic sports affiliated troupes, but "you ARE the only exception" you will definitely get the job, because she will find your humor breathtakingly original. And also, the above picture is on the first page of image results for "Paw Patrol Coyotes". So perhaps this whole post is in error.
Manny Malhotra: Thanks for taking the time to show me around Vancouver guys, I really appreciate it.
Sedins: You are most welcome, Emmanuel Noveen Malhotra
Malhotra: Please, I've said already that you can call me Manny.
Sedins: Emmanuel Noveen Malhotra, upon your birth on May 18th, 1980, you were given the name Emmanuel Noveen Malhotra. Why do you wish to to be called something else, Emmanuel Noveen Malhotra?
OK, so this has nothing to do with hockey -- except that this commercial is on during Islanders telecasts. ha! A tenuous connection! -- but it's August and not much going on right now has anything to do with hockey, save for LD's lucid dreams. So everyone always says their local commercials are the most ridiculous. I remember when I lived in South Carolina that every local commercial had a thick southern accent and hood ornaments. They're all ridiculous. I thought that today I'd share one from Long Island. It's as ridiculous as anything in your hometown except it has a nice seasoning of folks who got rejected from the show Jersey Shore. Welcome to Long Island! Now if only we had a place for all this scrap metal that's lying around our middle-to-upper class suburban homes and backyards.
Sidney_Not_Kidney: You should have seen me carrying this cake from Nova Scotia! The security guys were giving me looks like I was smuggling a file or something.
Federer_UP!: I guess they just really like your mom’s cooking, ha ha ha.
To whet your appetite for hockey, here is a video of National Hero of two nations, Barry Melrose, being Barry Melrosian. Just a matter of time... Just a matter of time.
Just a recap of the past few years in Detroit: The auto industry has completely collapsed, sending the local economy into a tailspin. Founder of Little Caesars Mike Ilitch begins a downtown revitalization plan in Detroit, relocating his offices there. He buys the Red Wings and they turn into a Stanley Cup contender in no time.The Auto industry continues to falter. The Wings continue to improve. Ilitch eventually buys the atrocious Tigers (baseball, people). The Tigers turn it around and become respectable. Little Caesars continues to make money.
Right now, Mike Ilitch is the only good thing happening in Detroit. It's all because of discount pizza. Now he is looking to buy the Pistons, who will probably end up winning the NBA championship in no time. In a city that is home to the major auto manufacturers of our country, Mike Ilitch, the founder of Little fricking Caesars is the king of all sports in that town. This says one of two things: Detroit is phenomenally depressing or Ilitch is a true American hero. Given the success of the teams he owns, it's hard not to say it's option number two. He even has a key to the city! Just like James Earl Jones and Saddam Hussein! Eh, maybe it is option 1.
Still and all, Detroit is in a bad place. Please, America, don't check your gluttenous desparation. Gorge yourself of crappy 5 dollar pizza. Detroit needs you to.
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The Bloguin Network allows advertisers to promote their products and services to our ever-growing number of visitors. We offer both site-specific ad placements as well as the ability to run a network-wide campaign. If you're interested in working with Bloguin to meet your advertising needs, please contact us.
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The Bloguin Login gives you full access to everything our network has to offer. Your name and password will work for each and every one of our sites. Signing up is simple, and will allow you to post in all our forums, create member blogs, and access other cool features! What are you waiting for? Create an Account! 