It's the last game before the All Star break which brings it's own kind of fun. But we need to honor the end the first half of the season, mostly because I said so. Any half of a season in which the Wild spent a good amound of time at the top is a half of a season to remember.

Moment of silence for when Minnesota was good.

All right, now, let's talk about drinking and watching TV midweek. The final game is between the gritty, perennially awesome Detroit Red Wings and the aloof, perennially whiny Montreal Canadiens. Sure, they have history that goes back further even than the Red Wings, but sacre bleu, Montreal. Just because you speak French doesn't make you better than us.  All right, let's go.

Every now and then, I peruse the NHL shop for goodies I can’t possibly justify. The other night, I came across something that made me stop in my tracks: The NHL “chemise.”Given that I’ve been asked about my reactions to “women’s” gear at the NHL shop before, this is not new territory for me. There are certainly some pros and cons.

First, the positives. It’s not pink, or covered in so many rhinestones that the garment looks like it has a pox.  At $29.99, it’s among the more reasonably priced items in the NHL shop. It is in team colors, which has been a hard thing for the ad wizards to grasp. It looks really comfy, and I think I would like this dress on its own merits, even without an NHL affiliation.

Given these positives, there are some negatives.  First, this garment is only available for 10 teams (maybe that’s a positive. I’m not sure.)  Second, when you pull up a size chart, here’s what you get:

That chart helps me exactly none in figuring out my size. Given how wide a range a lot of women can fit into, given maker and style, and given my holiday beer gut, I’m not sure how I can guess my size accurately. There is little information here about the dress itself. We don’t know how long it is, or if that’s padding in the bust or what. Is this an actual dress or just a tunic? The ghost mannequin, in addition to being creepy, tells me nothing about how the garment works.

Instead, here’s what NHL shop says:

You might not expect hockey and femininity to go together, but think again! You'll look gorgeous in this sexy College Concepts® chemise and pay tribute to your hockey boys at the same time. It features your NHL® team logo at the right hem; spaghetti straps, lace detailing, and an empire waist show off the ultra-feminine fan you are

That’s….just crazy condescending and pandering. That description almost makes me want to find the marketing intern and give him five across the eyes for it. I’m saying this as someone who likes dresses AND hockey. I like being a bit girly sometimes, and other times, I like being a beer-swilling jackass. I’m just not sure about being both of those at once. It’s less two great tastes that taste great together, and more two great tastes that fill you with dread and anxiety upon combining. Instead of being peanut butter and chocolate, it’s more peanut butter and spaghetti.

To be fair, there are many items in the NHL shop that I would never wear to games, even if they seem cute. The team bikini comes to mind as an example of one of these. If I’m at a game, I’m wearing my jerseys and jeans and I’m going there for the purposes of supporting my team, drinking beer, and cheering loudly. I’m going to dress to make these activities easy, and I don’t think a pretty, comfy dress with a logo that’s maybe the size of a quarter helps me do any of these things.

Then again, I can see that there may be non-rink places where this could work. I tentatively give this a PASS, but only if it's worn in a non-rink environment. 

Holy crap. Been awhile, eh? I run a tight ship around here, obviously. Obviously, I haven't posted since December 28th, closing in on three weeks. I assure you, it has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with a wonderful vacation to Florida to visit my parents. I did watch a Panthers game on TV while I was down there, before my dad changed the channel to Blue Bloods on CBS. I love him, but Dad doesn't appreciate sports the way I do. I don't know if I could have handled the sports guys talking about Marian GaBORK much longer anyways.

Yeah, so anyways, drinking game. Buffalo and Chicago make me think less about Florida less than almost any other cities in the country. Even, say, Anchorage, I say "boy, that's really far from Florida". Now that I am away from Florida, I don't like to acknowledge  the existance of said state, because it's sadly so, so far away. I kill the memories with booze.

Go-Carter: (extended sigh)

ICanhazUmberger: You ok, Jeff?

NashedPotatoes:  He’s been that angry since he came to Columbus. When his plane landed, he had to be dragged out.

ICanhazUmberger: I know it’s not Philadelphia, but we can be a solid team, too.

Go-Carter: Did you guys hear that story about Callamari?

NashedPotatoes:  You mean Cammaleri?

Go-Carter: Whatever. Anyway, he talked shit about his team, saying they were losers, and got traded mid-game. I think I finally have a way out of here.

ICanhazUmberger: He called Montreal a team with a “losing mentality”, not losers. There’s a bit of a difference.

Go-Carter: I tried to give this place a chance, but I just can’t do it anymore.

NashedPotatoes: You gave Columbus a chance? You spent 3 days locked in your hotel room drinking aftershave and singing “Freebird” while sobbing.

Go-Carter: I think I was being pretty generous.
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So it looks like the NHLPA has soundly rejected the proposed realignment that benefitted the Red Wings and nobody else. You may remember my eloquently stated reaction to the alignment when it was first proposed.  It looks like NHLPA has take a month, but the powers that be agree with me. 

Why? Because I. Am. AWESOME.  

(lyrics NSFW)

It really is a good thing that the game is played on the 2nd this year. I don't think there is anyone who wants to do serious drinking at noon after getting smashed the night before (especially a champagne drunk). I mean, sure, they could go for a little hair of the dog, as they say, but drinking games are for fun, not for therapy. Well, not THAT kind of therapy, anyways. 
The game features the Rangers and Flyers which is great for the NHL, since it features two of the biggest markets in the league. If you don't live in either city, the game isn't all that exciting. At least last year,  we had Crosby and Ovechkin. Who is it this year? Giroux? Gaborik? I 'll cheer for the Flyers before I cheer for Gaborik. Ugh. 
I liked the Rangers better when they played outdoors in Mystery, Alaska.

DRINK

Undoubtedly, there have been two stars of the HBO 24/7 series for the past two Winter Classics (Winters Classic?). Last year in preparation for the game between the Capitals and Penguins, Bruce Boudreau rose to fame for his colorful language. Well, colored with F-bombs, anyways. Boudreau and Alex Ovechkin didn't get along, and he was dumped and almost immediately picked up by the Ducks.

This season, philosopher and budding astrophysicist Ilya Bryzgalov is claiming the spotlight, thanks to his rather interesting perspective on the universe, dogs and pretty much anything. Of course, Bryzgalov came to Philadelphia from Anaheim (via Phoenix).
 
What I'm trying to say is, the NHL needs to seriously consider including the Ducks in next year's iteration of the Winter Classic, as they seem to be a magnet for colorful characters. They can play the Wild, if they don't want the matchup to be TOO interesting. So, come on, NHL. Do it. Doooooo it.
 

Chapter one

Chatper two  


ERIC: Hey, does anyone remember Mrs. Guildman?

JORDAN: Yeah, she hated my guts.

JARED: Mine too.

MARC: She thought I was OK.

ERIC: If she’s still around, we should totally say hi. Yanno, for the Christmas spirit and whatever.

MAMA STAAL: but one of you needs to stay and help me and your dad carve up this donkey.

ERIC: There’s only one fair way to decide.  ONE. TWO. THREE. NOT IT!

JORAD: NOT IT!

MARC: NOT IT!

Jared: Not—DAMMIT.

JORDAN: Sucker! Looks like you’re tying some bungholes tonight!

(MARC, JORDAN, and ERIC load into a car and are at a spooky looking house on a hill.  They ring the doorbell.)

ERIC: Hellllooooo? Mrs. Guildman?

JORDAN: I want to say sorry  for that time I gave you a milk and raw chicken stink bomb.

MARC: You inspired me to be better at hockey, because I could never get addition right!

JORDAN:  I’m also sorry for that time II loaded you car full of cow shit.  That was not cool.

MYSTERIOUS FIGURE: You don’t have to worry.  Mrs. Guildman isn’t here anymore.

MARC:  Who the hell are you?

ERIC: Are you a ghost?

JORDAN: It’s a burglar! He’s gonna burgle Mrs. Guildman! Everyone duck! (JORDAN takes out a pistol he has hidden on his person and fires several rounds.)

ERIC:  WHERE DID YOU GET A GUN?

JORDAN:  It was a gift from Geno Malkin.  Some special Russian Mafia thing.

MYSTERIOUS FIGURE: DAMMIT! And I was just off IR again!

JORDAN: Wait….I remember that voice….

COLBY ARMSTRONG: it’s me—Colby Armstong!

MARC: Wait—you play with the Leafs. What are you doing here?

ARMSTRONG: Sometimes I sublet Mrs. Guildman’s place while she’s in Florida.  There are time during the season I need some peace and quiet.

ERIC: Wait a second…if Jordan shot you in the face, how are you still talking?

JORDAN: I know him.  His gigantic nose stopped the bullet for him.

ARMSTRONG: Screw you guys, my nose is fine!  I mean, I’m bleeding a little, but whatever.

MARC: IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!

ERIC: What, that Jordan shot something and hit it?

JORDAN: Screw you guys. Hey Army, wanna head back to my mom’s for donk—I mean, uh, venison and Christmas dinner?

ARMSTRONG: Oh, heck yes.

MARC: God bless us, everyone!

Usually, it's on Schultz to handle everything Roenick around these parts, but by golly, if it isn't JR's son Brett bustin' the freshest flyest moves on Youtube.




While it IS funny that a Roenick could end up as a dancer, I have to say... The kid can dance.

Chapter one is here



(ERIC, JORDAN and MARC have returned to the house with their “bounty.” JARED has finally arrived at the house.)

MARC: Mom, we’re back! And we brought food!

JORDAN: Eric thought he shot one of Santa’s reindeer, so he started crying like a little bitch.

ERIC: Up yours! I did not cry!

MAMA STAAL: I’m not cooking a donkey for Christmas.

ERIC: What’s the big deal? You tie up its bung, and cut it like a deer, and go to town.

MARC: Hehehehehe, bunghole.

MAMA STAAL:  You’re being disgusting.  All of you.

ERIC: AT least I brought you something.

JORDAN: Yeah, unlike Jared over here who fails at EVERYTHING.

JARED:  Kiss my ass, shit twiddler.
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